CHAPTER 2 Serious Offers Only

Sending a message of who you really are by entertaining serious offers only – Your life is not about waiting-- it is about creating! You cannot create, and at the same time, entertain someone else’s confusion.

Involvement without Commitment is based in a fear of being alone-- of not having anyone to love, or to love you. In this state of mind it is easy to get excited when someone comes along and begins to show some interest. But at the same time, you're scared that he may leave you out in the cold that you have so often found yourself in. Because of this fear, when his interest begins to waiver--you just stand there smiling, hoping it's just a bad dream. After a while you realize you're awake but you STILL don't do anything about the low level of his commitment, other than extend even more of your heart and soul. And this is where it gets ugly. Because the more he sees that you're willing to remain involved with him, without a commitment, the less he respects you--And the less you respect yourself. But he's used to your company now. So he sticks around and continues to enjoy your devotion, and some of the fringe benefits that go along with it, and disrespecting you more every day—and in many cases, even resenting you for your compromise. But you don’t want to be alone do you? So you stay, and spiritually die. Because you thought life was supposed to include someone coming to love you and to save you from your loneliness and when that didn't happen you got scared, and vulnerable. And when he came along and said you could stay in his back yard, with his dog, you figured, "Oh what the heck, it's better than being alone."

Obviously I'm taking this syndrome to its most extreme graphic depiction. In reality, "Involvement With Out Commitment" occurs at a variety of levels. Some situations even seem to present a certain dignity i.e.. "Yes, we're living together, but we do have wedding plans for November 1, 2002. We wanted to coordinate some of our plans with the Olympics." Sure... Any way you look at it, you know you've sold out. You know when you're involved with someone way more than the level of his commitment justifies. You know when you've gone from a tasteful couple of samples of free milk to just handing over the whole cow to the guy and getting an IOU in return.

Important Note: The expression “Involvement without commitment” implies romantic involvement---the kind of involvement that precedes marriage and family. The good Samaritan became very involved with a man who’d been beaten and left to die. But this was an act of service, not a prelude to marriage. Romantic involvement is an act of service too, but it is a sacred familial service that must be couched in mutual commitment to be positive.

It is easy to understand wanting to accept Involvement (as defined without Commitment. It is a lonely world sometimes, and commitment or not, it is hard to walk away from the love and attention you yearn for. Unfortunately, when you accept more involvement from someone than the level of his commitment warrants, you are fueling and sending signals of self-doubt. And down deep, he knows that if you are not willing to love yourself, you are not able to love him.

We all know this already though. Why do we fly in the face of it then? This is what's so strange. We tend to see love and romance operating within in its own set of principles and rules, unconnected to some of the basic rules of the universe-- rule no 1 being that people tend to love those who love them—not sell out for them.

You’ve been showing your home (or heart and soul) to Harold for a while. You’ve showed him the large pantry-- washer and dryer hook ups, how far the property line goes, how close you are to the church and elementary school etc.-- all the benefits, perks and likable things about your home. It so happens that Harold is not only the kind of tenant you would love to have (neat, responsible, careful) he’s also way in the market to lease. He’s been staying with friends and relatives for two years now, spending every lunch and weekend looking for a place of his own.

It also happens that you’ve had your house up for lease for a lot longer than you imagined and you are getting weary of showing the property over and over again, only to have your prospective tenant end up somewhere else. Thus, you are starting to wonder if your place is even worth what you want for it (which is a strong commitment from an eligible buyer).

For whatever reason though, Harold is having a hard time making up his mind. Let’s look at two possible responses to Harold’s indecisiveness, depending on the message you’re willing to send.

As the tour ends, Harold stands at the door for a moment and reflects back on everything he’s seen (which in dating time took about 3 to 6 dates.] He is sincerely impressed, but still wondering if he is really ready to sign the lease agreement. In the middle of his thoughts, you take his hand, shake it warmly and tell him how fun it’s been to get to know him and to show him around the house. You’re dying to know if he’s going to lease or not. Yet, there is a still small voice, whispering to you that you will have all you need, one way or another and that Harold is not your only hope for love. “Thanks Harold. I had a great time” you say. I know you’ve probably got a lot going on. I do too. I hope to see you soon. Give me a call if you have any questions. Here’s my number.”

Harold goes out to his car (convinced that he has truly found the home he is looking to lease-- or in other words the love he is hoping to find.

As Harold stands at the door and reflects back on the tour, he’s sincerely impressed and figures he will be lucky to get a second interview. As he’s thinking however, he notices that you are out on the front lawn pulling up all the “For Lease” signs and taking them into the garage. "What happened?" Harold wonders, “and why is this woman in such a hurry to close this deal? Is there a shortage of offers on this place?” he wonders. “Is there something about this place I don’t know about? Are there problems with the foundation or electrical wiring?” After you return from the garage you invite him to come over anytime for another look, perhaps even tomorrow. Harold, now unsure about leasing is nonetheless tired of staying on Aunt Thelma’s couch. He is warmed by your offer and agrees to come back the next day and take another look (“the next day” meaning, the next 10 to 300 dates in “dating time.” ).

The next day Harold comes by to find you waiting in the kitchen for him with a home cooked meal. “I thought, with all your house searching and all you might be hungry” you say. Harold loves home cooked meals and quickly eats everything before him. Twenty-six home cooked meals later, Harold shows up at your door for another tour (He doesn’t call for an appointment anymore. He just shows up.). By now he’s getting pretty attached to the place so he’s brought over a few little things to make the tours more comfortable ie. his toothbrush, a few articles of clothing and his favorite coffee table. He’s still not sure what to think about leasing but he’s really enjoying all the tours-- especially the peach cobbler. By now you’re just thrilled about the fact that your home (or, your heart) is no longer empty that you’re willing to make Harold’s decision process as comfortable as you can. Wouldn’t want him to have a bad experience would we? No. He could easily end up leasing that cute little place right across the street.

Two weeks later, something inside you feels a little uneasy as the Bekins Van pulls up and Harold’s things begin to completely fill your house (and your life), but you comfort yourself with thoughts of that” 30 year lease he will surely be signing… one day.”

On the 100^th tour, half way through dinner, you surprise Harold with a little present-- His own set of keys to the house, just to make it easier for him to view the property anytime he’d like.

Now remember, Harold hasn’t even stated his intentions, LET ALONE GIVEN YOU SOME EARNEST MONEY OR A DOWN PAYMENT! But you have handed the place over!!

Harold, in the meantime, is having the time of his life. You’re doing his laundry, cooking for him, giving him back rubs every night, being a shoulder to cry on after coming home from some of his other tours of other people’s property (tours that didn’t work out). But Harold is starting to feel a little guilty about living in your home now for the past 3 years without ever paying one month’s lease. He knows it’s not right but now he’s got a problem. He’s gotten used to the property on one hand and finds it hard to leave. But on the other hand, he still wonders what must be wrong with it, to have it handed over to him without so much as one payment. He does not value what he didn’t pay for. He enjoys many aspects of it, but does not value it now, or trust it enough now to actually pay for it (or in other words to commit).

To ease his guilt, Harold, instead of actually leasing the place, continues to TALK about leasing it. Yet all the talk, without the cash, is leaving you a little frustrated, and wondering how you ended up in this situation in the first place.

After a long period of thinking you finally take a broom of the closet, and stand behind Harold as he sips on his root beer and watches CNN. You’re courteous though, so you wait for a commercial and then you smash Harold in the arm with the broom.

“"Look Harold” you say, “either you lease this place by 12:00 noon tomorrow or I'll never speak to you again.... !" “What do you mean?” Harold asks. “What I mean” you say “is that my life is nothing unless you lease this house. Lease it! You must lease it.”

Harold, now fearing for his life, grabs a couple of his belongings, jumps in his car and heads down the street, with you running behind him screaming "I tell you!.. this is a great house! Really. Please! Just come and take another look! Did you see the fruit trees in the back? Please come and love me you fool!"

And the reason you do all of this is because when your leaser in shining armor didn’t come and swoop up your property all those months before Harold, you began to doubt it’s worth. And in this doubt, you sold your soul for a pot of porridge and ended up with a house full of compromise and no check on the table.

The insecurity created by allowing Harold to move in without paying sets the perfect groundwork for obsession. As seen above, this is where you focus your nervousness about leasing the house on one specific person. This is where you go from wondering where all the offers are to becoming convinced that the man presently touring (or living in) your house is the last legitimate offer you will ever see! And that it's HIS check you want-- HIS vote you are ready to die for.

This obsessive focus on one prospect is usually ignited by the fact that this person may remind you of someone else who wouldn't give you his vote-- who wouldn't give you the validation you needed (sometimes your Father, or Mother, or even a combination of them). Once this connection is made in your unconscious mind, no one else matters, and you panic (and run down the street). “This IS that person from the past” your unconscious mind says-- “revisiting me again-- positioned to reject me again.” And you're not going to let it happen!

So you continue to give Harold more and more rights to your property, hoping that it will convince him to lease. For you will sell your soul a million times before you will be hurt again, never realizing, that the more you give (without requiring payment) the more he will lose trust in you and the deeper his doubts will be in the property.

Now here's what's crazy about all this: You finally give up on trying to get Harold’s check. You "come to yourself" and get your wits about you again. Moreover, you stop trying to hold Harold ransom for old, unhealed wounds. You stop trying to put him in charge of the clean-up committee for the mess you feel life has been. In fact you begin to take control of your life again and say NO to ENDLESS TOURS OF YOUR ESTATE FROM PEOPLE WHO AREN’T WILLING TO BUY! In connection with this, you radiate the confidence and independence of someone who would never dream of allowing herself to be toyed with. You become your real self-- the kind of person that Harold, of course, wants! But you're still hurt enough from his rejection of your irrational self, that you blow him off! "If he doesn't accept every part of me", you say, "he gets none of me." (Or in other words, if he didn’t want the property when I was giving it to him for free, why should I let him lease it now?!). But this is like smashing someone with a hammer for 6 hours, insisting that they should love you, and then, later, after being pursued by this same person, saying "No. You didn't want me when I was killing you, why should you get me now?" This is crazy! Make no mistake. I'm not saying it wouldn't be good for your friend to see past your insecurity and sign the lease (even though you would give it to him for free). There’s romance in this. See more on this in Chapter 7. But this is chapter 3 and here’s the through: It is so much harder for Harold to feel good about leasing when you continue to send the message of your self-doubt by accepting involvement without commitment, and then, yelling at HIM about it i.e.. "Harold, YOU are the reason I'm feeling so much pain. Why won't you marry me?” You’re killing me Harold."

Owning your pain, however (or taking responsibility for it at some deeper levels) will reduce your inclination to extend unwarranted intimacy and involvement to Harold and then being mad at him for not committing. (It will also help those of you who struggle with lost-puppy, finding-it’s-master tendencies.

To own your pain, you dig deep into your heart and tap into the roots (See Chapter 5). Owning your pain is something you can do alone, or with someone else. You can do it in a conversation with someone, or a letter-- even if the letter is never sent. Quick example: "Harold, lately I've been really having some doubts about my worth. I just don't feel like I'm any good sometimes. You ever feel like that Harold? In fact, sometimes I just want to lay in bed all day, because there are these voices that keep pounding and pounding in my head and these feelings in my heart that this house of mine simply isn’t WORTH a lease. And I don't like it Harold. I don't like that feeling. It hurts. Sometimes I don't know WHAT to do about it. You ever feel like that Harold? Thanks for listening Harold. You are a wonderful friend. By the way, could I have you park in the street from now on, rather than in my garage?” You see how this feels when you reach into your soul and speak from your real pain? It feels good. It’s a clearer feeling inside. And your obsession with Harold lessens. You feel like you can think straight again. It’s starting to come to you that Harold isn’t the answer-- that the answer is in understanding and sending the right message—the message of how beautiful and wonderful and loved you really are. From here you go out to the garage and get all the “For Lease” signs and start blowing up balloons, and calling your friends to come over to join in on the “lease” party. From here, you might also decide to keep the “For Lease” signs in the garage and spend a few months fixing up the place, just for the fun of it—just for the peace of it.

If you’re feeling good inside, really, and are leaning toward the “lease party”, Harold will soon be struggling to even find you amongst the wall-to-wall leasing potentials. And Harold will begin to get the message-- the right one this time, but not because you’re playing games-- but because you’ve stopped playing games and gotten on with the joy of your life.

No excuses i.e. “he’s not ready for a commitment”
If you are not his princess he is not your prince.

Assistance in Sending the Right Message (with Harold): Understanding who Harold Really Is

Harold (whoever your most recent “Harold” has been or was) really struck a mystic chord in you didn’t he-- a familiar melody, somehow that had never fully been sung to you… but one that you wanted to hear so bad. And in your heart, it really feels like this person is the one person who should sing it! Ironically though, it is sometimes in letting go of Harold that you finally begin to hear the voices from heaven softly singing that song of love you so wanted Harold to sing. A song that’s always been playing, in Heaven of a love, that really, you’ve always known.

As we discussed in Chapter 1 it is important to understand that part of the reason you are attracted to certain people is because you sense the capacity for rejection. This person seems to hold the key to a part of your heart that’s been locked up for years. For someone very similar to him (at some level) rejected you once before—once long ago. Thus, you find that familiar, attractive something in someone—which is the capacity for pain (and hopefully, for the time-warp type healing discussed earlier). And when you do, you tend to rush in, like a crazy person, and try to force the healing you want. You strap yourself to an Involvement ROCKET and blast off, screaming "I am READY TO BE SAVED!!—

Saved from all the rejection that came before! —Saved from all the hurt that’s locked in my heart, waiting for the key that only YOU hold. For only YOU can heal me Harold!” But by the time you start singing “Love. It is a flower, and you the only seed” Harold has already gotten back up on his horse and is 15 miles up the road.

To Sarah, Bob is not Bob. Bob is a representation of all old wounds-- of the vote she could never get from the people she really needed it from-- of the approval she yearned for--but more so, the cure for the emptiness that her compromise has left in her heart (see Chapter 5). He is a delegate from an entire world of validation, which in her mind, has been withheld. If Bob was just one prospect among others, Sarah would not panic, or try to force his love.

If, for instance, Sarah were selling a copy machine to Bob, she certainly wouldn’t beat him over the head with it, and say "Why don't you buy this?" But Bob is not simply a prospective client, he is the apparent answer to some big questions-- i.e. “Will I ever be worth someone's love? Could it be that this man is the missing link to my worth?” Thus, Sarah's natural ability to match the level of her involvement with the level of Bob's commitment goes out the window, along with his interest.

For Sarah, Bob is a drink of cool water (or potential validation), 100 yards in front of her, at the end of a 30-year crawl through a desert of insecurity. What's tough, is that the more we perpetuate this illusion (by giving into it), the harder it is to be rational. "This isn't simply someone who I’m interested in” we say. This is life or death!" And we stand up from our crawl, run to the water, spill it all over the place and then start screaming at the person we thought was holding it. No one wants to be pushed into being the balm for a life full of wounds. Love flows, instead, in an environment of stillness. When you just sit there and be you, Harold naturally loves you. But when your pour on the involvement, without allowing Harold to lead in commitment, he runs. So, the question will always be: Am I breathing air and love into this relationship by monitoring my involvement, or am I killing this relationship by running headlong toward this man (or woman)? Am I creating an irresistible demand for myself by sending a message of my strength and self-worth or am I treating this person like an emergency room and attempting to roll myself into his life as quickly as possible?

In most cases, if you feel yourself blowing up a relationship with too much involvement, you will need to get a certain amount of space-- however much it takes to allow your mind to wind down from the frenzy. With this space, you will "wake up" as it were... "Wow, what a dream! For a minute I thought Bob was this big glass of water on the desert." You will still be thirsty when you wake up, but you will be more likely to own your pain, and to dismiss the mirage about Bob being the water.

Let us leave Harold and Bob and mystic compulsions behind for a moment, to look at some other elements in the balance between involvement and commitment.

If you are sincerely interested in someone, you progressively demonstrate your intentions. Once you've done this, in the case of someone who is stalling, the most important thing you can do is decide within yourself that she only have so much time. You love her-- you are there for her-- you want her, but you will only risk so much time. After you've declared your love and the ball is in her court, unless she's jumping up and down with excitement you must strongly consider a move backwards.

You want to show your willingness to support her no matter what she chooses. But more importantly you want to demonstrate and fuel your sense of independence and confidence.

So, from the moment she starts deliberately missing some of your serves, or goes for one too many breaks to the Coke machine in the middle of your game she must also see a few trips to the Coke machine from you (meaning time you spend with your pals, or projects, or other social events etc.). You don't have to be terse or abrupt. It's just very important that she know that you intend to play, not pine; that you know your worth and that the party (or in this analogy, the game of living and loving) will be played with or without her.

A person has got to feel that you can live without her, before she feels good about you living with her. From the moment she hears your love and desire declared she must also hear the ticking of your self-respect alarm clock. She must know, that though you love her, you also love yourself.

The secret to the whole “wonderful me” agreement is to simply pursue what I call a natural course of events. Nature is that a man loves a woman (or visa versa) and then asks her to come and build a life with him (and sometimes the other way around). But nature has it that his first priority is building a life, and that his second priority is who he builds it with. So, once she knows how deeply you desire her, she needs to also feel how committed you are to building, and that she ONLY HAS SO MUCH TIME TO DECIDE whether she is with you or not.

There are situations, however, when you may feel inspired to spell things out. But these are moments of utter tenderness, when you will take his hand, fill him with your love but at the same time give him a clear picture of where you are: "Harold, you know I love you. And I really think we could be happy together. But it seems like you may need to some time to figure out how you feel. Please... don't be hurt if you see me with other people. I love you… but I love me too. It doesn't mean I'm rejecting you. I would just feel better about opening myself up for some other options for now.” You see? This isn't an ultimatum. This is a revelation on how incredibly together you really are. There is a big difference between an ultimatum and an explanation. Ultimatums promote fear and weakness. Explanations promote love and strength. (See Chapter for the whole scoop).

Follow the natural course i.e.. Give your love. Receive his or hers. State your intentions. Give time for him or her to state his or hers and then do what you must, what nature demands i.e.. marry her or leave her. If, on the other hand, you follow the UNnatural course of events (for it is not natural to wait around forEVER with your leash in your mouth) you will soon become a sniveling little sacho dog and lose a lot of ground, fast.

Note: There are some instances when something tells you to put a little more time on your self-respect clock that there is something more to the picture than meets the eye. This will be discussed in the "Wrong Club" patterns later in the book.

This next section, as with this entire chapter shows Harold as someone who vacillates or who hesitates to commit. Ginger (the name I give to all of you who have been down the involvement w/o commitment road with Harold), adapts to Harold’s non-commitment, which only proves to perpetuate it. The reason this is about Harold and Ginger instead of Ginger and Harold is because for the most part, men are hunters and have a little harder time settling down. For the most part, women are nest makers and have a little harder time getting the men to settle down. More often than not, it is a man that plays the part of Harold and the woman, who plays the part of Ginger, although, I’ve certainly seen it work the other way around, plenty of times.

Harold wants love! And the more you give him your romantic involvement for free, Ginger, the more he wonders if you can love him. So he tests you.

Almost from the very beginning he tests you. Without even realizing what he’s doing he naturally moves toward involvement and intimacy (withOUT making a commitment). He does this because he wants to find out what you're made of. He wants to know that he can depend on you. And the way he does this is by noting your response to his lack of commitment. If you have a propensity for "Involvement Without Commitment" you will "fold" (continue to allow the level of your involvement to exceed the level of commitment). And if you do fold, Harold will gradually conclude that you are not the girl for him and will withdraw. But, if you are determined to send the right message, you will maintain your boundaries. You will not hand Harold the key to your happiness and say “Turn the key Harold, and I live. Don’t, and I die.” You will show yourself and Harold your willingness to create love and happiness with or without him. Through this, you are sending a message of independence to Harold-- which is the basis of love. Through this then, you are sending love, which is what Harold wants.

For Harold actually was losing a little interest in you. But now you’re sending a different message, and he’s starting to get it. He may see you in the store sometime after your last date with him , or at church, or hear someone talking about you. In any event, it's almost as though, no matter where he is or what he’s doing in his life at that point, Harold will know that something has changed.

“Hmmm” he says, “Perhaps I’m more interested in Ginger than I thought. Perhaps she is someone who’s love I can count on.” And he begins to remember the good things about you. This is where what I call the miracle of amnesia comes to play, thank goodness. For whatever shines brightest overshadows and envelopes everything around it. Thus, in the brilliance of your self-respect, he doesn’t seem to remember you running down the street after him the other day with some more home made apple crisp. He concludes that maybe you were just having a bad day when you got on your knees and begged him to commit. But still, he wants to make sure.

Because in testing, you are not dealing with just another B-choicer, going nowhere in his life. Harold usually does love Ginger. He just doesn’t know if she can love him.

So Harold, who’s dates with you have become fewer and farther apart, starts to miss you (and I’m talking right to you now Ginger) and calls you one just to let you know he loves you and to make a date for this weekend (which is in itself a miracle). Still, unsure of what you're made of, he begins, almost immediately, to "work" you. He stops taking you to Taco Bell and starts taking you to nice places. He starts opening the door for you and help you get seated (whereas before, he used to pull your chair out a little too far).

He talks about marriage, but with a little more sincerity. He shares the deepest parts of himself—his fears, his insecurities, his dreams, and his life. He’s kind, thoughtful, and attentive. And you are so in love! —Now more than ever. And you just know he’s going to commit.

“Of course he is” you say and “what was that crazy John Canaan talking about anyway?!. I’m not blind! He loves me! And he’s committing!” And before you know it, there you are on the couch again at 4 in the morning (15^th night in a row), with a token video running, Harold’s car in the garage and his laundry in your washing machine.

But suddenly, scenes from the Sending the Right Message Workshop flash in your mind. “What have I done?!” you scream, and jump up, run into the kitchen, pull out the broom and start beating Harold with it again. “Why you #!%&*!! I can’t believe I let you get away with this again!” But Harold didn’t get away with anything. You gave it to him. Because you were so excited about someone leasing the place that you forgot to see if there was even a check on the table… which, by the way, there wasn’t.

So Harold rides off into the sunset again, looking for some other lease options.

In the meantime you “heal” for a few months—perhaps get some good books, renew friendships, do a refresher course in Sending The Right Message, renew your enthusiasm for your career, your service in your church, your life!—start going to the gym everyday… and you are just glowing. And Harold runs into you again, perhaps at the gym. And you are looking Hot! Luckily, Harold gets Amnesia again, asks you out, and away you go for round three!

But this time, you’re smart—and more confident than ever. In fact, you're starting to wonder why you were so weak before! and how Harold was able to get you to put away your “For Lease” signs without so much as giving you 50 cents. Harold sees this in your eyes, and hears it in your voice-- and because of it, is happier than ever to be with you (but even more committed to testing your integrity and self-love).

So this time he’s going to raise the ante. He’s going to take you home to Mom. He’s going to take you on a trip to Hawaii. He’s going to bring you roses every day. He’s going to look at wedding rings with you. He's going to do everything and anything he can to get you involved again, except… to commit.

And if you fold this time, he may marry you out of guilt, or out of habit. But the sparkle and love between you will be hurt for a long time. If he doesn't marry you, or come back one more time to work you, it's because he finally lost his belief that you had anything to offer him-- that you were the safe and secure place for him to build his life on. So, you sought your life, and you lost it.

You think you need love sometimes, and when the cloudy, lonely days come, you panic. But you don't need love-- not the false love of someone's uncommitted presence. What you need—what you DESERVE is self-belief and self-honor and the real love that will always flow from them.

"Andrea, how does it make you feel as you realize that you're fenced into his backyard, and that when he's got time he comes and throws you a stick. How does it make you feel about yourself?"

"How do you think it makes Mike feel about you? I remember when he first saw you. It was like watching a man walk into a Jaguar dealership for the first time-- and seeing you on the main floor. You were the hottest item he could ever imagine. And the price was firm. He knew it, and he was ready to buy. But, just to make sure it was really worth the commitment that was being asked, he stalled out a little bit-- told you he'd be back after he looked around a little bit more. And that's when you panicked, and chased him down the driveway with the key. "Here! You go ahead-- Try it out for a few months. I'm in no hurry to sell it. So he takes the keys, and the car-- but believe me, he's never going to give you the commitment you’d like for it. He'll end up bringing it back, with the keys. He’ll even come back the next day, and the next, for some more test drives. But he won’t buy. He’s worried about the real worth of the car.

Ann had been dating Steve pretty seriously for 4 months before she came to one of my workshops. Unfortunately, Ann had given Steve one to many free samples of milk and Steve decided that he wanted to scope out some other cows. “After all” he probably thought, “if I can get this cow’s milk for free, it must not be worth much. I’ll keep a little fire burning here, and go check out some others.” These are tricky situations. Because the thing that provoked Ann to allow Steve to soak up so much coziness and intimacy was his TALK of commitment! So now both Ann and Steve are let down. Steve really was interested in Ann, but wondered why she provided coziness for free and Ann wondered why he took it without paying.

The ultimate result is that Ann is standing there with a $50,000 commitment note, unpaid and Steve is off looking for someone with a greater sense of self-love. The actual words Steve used were “Well Ann, If I would have met you a couple of years from now, I know we would have ended up getting married. But for now, I just feel a need to keep seeing other people. I don’t think I’ll be ready to be married for a couple of years.” The truth is, he’d be ready to marry toMORROW if he knew she would love HIM.

After the workshop Ann called Steve and told him that she understood his feelings-- that she felt for him, but that since he wasn’t really sure what he wanted to do, she felt uncomfortable seeing him too much or being too cozy with him. “I’m not comfortable acting like we’re committed when we’re not” she said. Steve understood. Ann started dating other people. Steve, as is typical in these situations, immediately started changing his tune. He even called Ann one morning, almost hysterical, saying “I want you to cancel your date with Burt tonight and go out with ME!” Ann’s response was a little terse... “Listen Steve, I understand that you feel this big need to be dating all these girls. But unless I’m number ONE, I don’t want anything to do with you.” Steve got angry and hung up.

In talking with Ann later, I suggested that she continue to maintain her boundaries, but that if she would extend her LOVE, it would amplify the message... i.e. “Steve, You know I’d rather be with you than anyone else right now. I adore you. But you’re probably still deciding what you want and as long as that’s true, I just don’t feel good about committing too much time to our relationship.” You see how powerful this kind of communication is? This is the opposite of playing games. This is the overwhelming combination of complete honesty, with complete integrity. (We will study this principle more in the next chapter).

“Moreover” I told Ann, “If you’ll keep sending kind but firm messages regarding your worth (mainly, by holding your ground), it will help him to get in touch with his real feelings-- BUT!” I added, “he will still ‘work’ you. Therefore it is important that you treat his intentions in the utmost probationary context. Here is a man that has defaulted on a $50,000.00 loan! It’s not that you don’t want to do business with him. It’s just that he must now demonstrate his intentions for an even longer period of time. He must now make steps that are even more convincing than someone else you may be dating, before he gets his first loan-- which loan, hopefully, is a small one to start with (i.e. holding hands in the park, a little kiss, dinner with some of your best friends and him, a little trust etc.)

But remember Ann” I said, “soon he will be talking 6 in commitment again. Where will he really be? You won’t know! In fact, soon he will be taking you shopping for a ring, and then, home from the shopping (withOUT the ring mind you) he will begin trying to head up the involvement/intimacy side of the chart again. And this will be your crowning moment--

For you will say, again (as you’re leading him off of your couch, over to the front door at an early hour) ‘Boy Steve, I am really excited that you seem to feel so good about us. I know I do. But I still think you may need a little more time to think about it. Besides that, I’ve got to get to bed now, because I have a date with Bill in the morning. We’re going to climb Mount Timpanogas.’”

You are WORTH putting someone through probation. You may not know that now. You will though.... as soon as you send the right message, and hear it echoing within your heart, over and over again.

Extend Your Love while Maintaining Your Boundaries VS. Exile
Here is a concept that we will look at a few more times throughout STRM: You cannot have love, without boundaries. And you cannot have boundaries without love. Each makes the other possible.

If I try to love you, but have no boundaries (and if you are as human as I am) then what will probably end up with is: Resentment, being a door mat, low self esteem etc.

If, on the other hand, I try to create a boundary with you (or in other words, establish for you what I’m uncomfortable with),without love, then what I will probably end up with is not a boundary, but a conflict, vacillation, resentment from you, and a hurt relationship.

We do not need to protect ourselves from our FEELINGS toward someone—but from our involvement with him or her. Someone’s confusion doesn’t necessarily call for his or her exile. It simply calls for probation—caution. The love can still flow. The heart can still be open. In fact, only with boundaries CAN the heart remain open to someone.

Boundaries and upping the Probation (2 steps from him, gets 1 from you)
As John Grey explains a man’s nature kind of lends itself to confusion. For as Grey puts it, he naturally pulls away and then comes back into to a relationship that he is exploring. Depending on his level of the confusion and the length of time he was gone, treat each of his returns with an increasing level of probation.

Let’s say, for instance (and this section applies to women a little more), a man pursues you, and you begin to reciprocate. You do little things for him, bring him surprises etc. Let’s then say that he pulls back from his pursuit. Typically a woman might be tempted to begin a pursuit herself.

To send a message of your love for yourself though you would also pull back on the perks and little sweet things, completely. More importantly, in connection with probation, he would need to make a couple of pretty meaty steps (in commitment) forward to get one step back from you.

Wonderful Me
If allowing someone to move into your heart could be compared to leasing your house (remember Harold and Ginger?) then there are two things that must be radiated to yourself and Harold::

1.) You are worth what you want (a leaser), and there are others who are ready to lease.

a.) You are convinced he's the kind of person you want to lease the house (i.e. will he make his payments on time? Will he take good care of the house? Etc.)…and

b.) You are convinced that he has the money (or in other words, that his intentions are clear.)

Radiating this message is accomplished by monitoring the level of your involvement and exclusivity with respect to the level of his exclusivity and commitment. This is the key. It is not always easy. But it is simple. It is simply about not buying into someone else’s confusion.

DEALING WITH CONFUSION

Rubber Band Boundaries are to take a little, to take a little more, to endure a little more, with the poor idiot you’re stretching away from having NO IDEA what’s going to hit him, once you finally snap!

SAND bag boundaries have one underlying message. I will not allow your confusion to become MY LIFE. “It looks like you’re confused.” This is the most import phrase of centered thinking and of boundaries “It seems like, or it looks like, or my experience of you is that you’re confused.”

Examples:

1) Your husband raises his voice on your honeymoon.
What YOU say is, “I am so hurt by what you just said. Plus, my sense is that you might be confused about whether or not you are ready to cherish me. So, for the next couple of days, I’ll be at my Mother’s. I’ll call throughout the day to see how you’re doing. I really want to be married to you and to cherish YOU. And I also want to cherish myself. Me leaving right now is my commitment to both of us.”

2) Someone calls you for a date, the same day he’s calling. Is there’s a chance he may be confused about what he wants? Are you going to support this? Or perhaps put him on probation? Which might look like this: “Bob, I’m really excited that you called. I’m in the middle of a bunch of stuff right now, but maybe we can get together next week. Would you call me then?”

3) Someone starts dating your best friend at the same time he’s dating you. There’s a chance he may be confused about what he wants. Are you going to support this? If not, it might sound like this: “Jim, you seem a little confused about what you want right now. I certainly know that Nancy is. Perhaps it would be better if we took a little break and got back to our relationship in a few months.”

4) Someone is an hour late for a date without calling (even though he has a cell phone). There’s a chance he may be confused about what he wants. “Hi Steve, I’m so glad to see you. I was worried about you. (Once you find out that he simply forgot to call vs. a death or accident) Then you say: “I hate to do this, but I’m just on my way out. I figured you’d weren’t clear on what you wanted to do tonight. But please give me a call again, so we can get together.” (Note: If he does it again, leave within 5 minutes, vs. 60)

Show me someone who is never angry, upset, down on men, bitter or depressed and I’ll show you someone who probably has very clear boundaries. The opposite of this is also true. But remember, REAL boundaries exist only in LOVE. Otherwise you just have protectiveness, defensiveness and counter-dependence.

Please turn to (in workbook) or search for
(on the CD ROM Sending the Right Message Workbook.doc)
Wonderful Me

Compromise, or extending more involvement than is warranted, sometimes holds the illusion of love in its hand. You know down deep though, that if you reach for it, you’ll just get killed.... again. True love blossoms in the soil of your self-honor.

Do you remember that part in “Bambi” where the hunters are coming, and the quails are hiding in the brush--not moving, for fear of being shot? One of the quail’s starts to panic...“I’ve got to fly!” she says. “I’ve got to fly!” “No. Don’t fly” says her friend. “Whatever you do, don’t fly!” I think of that little quail every time someone I know acts out of fear-- or tells themselves that they can’t go a second longer without love in their life-- and jumping up from the brush of their loneliness, I hear the shot of that hunter and watch the feathers (or the results) of the wrong message falling to the earth.

I was in St. George the other day doing a workshop. A woman was telling me how good it felt to get hugged by her B-choice date the night before-- how good it felt to be close to “a man”. Later that night, after her B-choice date, she shared her moral dilemma with Heavenly Father. “If you could hug me like that” she said, “you’d get more of my loyalty!”

No one but you knows how you must feel sometimes. But betraying yourself in anyway will only make it worse. While, on the other hand, being true to what you believe will help heal wounds, bring sparkle to your eyes, and tend to attract and create all you really want and need.

Please turn to (in workbook) or search for
(on the CD ROM Sending the Right Message Workbook.doc)
Panic Agreement

The “Wonderful Me” agreement is simply an agreement to think in terms of boundaries. In the “A-Choice Agreement you are creating what you want, moment by moment. In “Wonderful Me” you are learning to create boundaries with respect to what you don’t want.

THE INVOLVEMENT/COMMITMENT CHART (on a scale from 1 to 6)
The Price of Milk and/or the Price of The Cow

[Lagging the level of your involvement (or at least keeping it equal) with level of your commitment sends a message of self worth to you and your prospective and tends to infuse mutual respect and spirituality into the relationship. The following chart deals with the social and sexual dimensions of involvement. There are other dimensions of involvement but these two are the most critical in terms of sending the right or wrong message. NOTE: This is a graphic depiction of a general concept. It is to be used to enhance one’s general understanding of agreement 2. It is not to be used as a play-by-play measuring stick.]

[Sending a message of personal worth and love of yourself and your boyfriend or girlfriend is reflected in the left column lagging slightly behind the two right columns. The intimacy/commitment chart is my own spin on Cannon's "Double Funnel" chart. The notes below discuss aspects and implications of this chart.]

Notes to the Involvement /Commitment Chart
1. THE INTIMACY-ESCALATOR EFFECT: Physical intimacy between mutually interested people has a tendency to escalate all by itself. As Dr. Cannon used to put it... once you put one foot on the bottom step of the intimacy escalator you’d better be ready for what’s at the top.

a.) You can avoid getting stuck with a cow or it's milk before you've really decided you want it (before you’re feel willing to commit to a purchase.
b.) A relationship can become very brittle if either person feels he's become more involved (especially sexually) than the level of commitment warrants. Allowing yourselves to become more physically attached to each other than you are committed is like allowing someone to move their furniture into your house before their check clears escrow. This can create much stress. Many potentially great relationships are torpedoed and sunk in this way.

2. GUIDANCE FROM WOMEN: Typically, men push for intimacy and women push for commitment. This is good news and bad news for women. It's bad news because it sometimes puts you in a position of needing to be the strong one-- guiding the relationship clear of mutual dishonor. The good news is that in a very natural way, you are also able to encourage commitment (if that's what you want) by going easy on intimacy.

3. DISCERNMENT: With all of this in mind, it's important for a woman, especially, to realize that unless her prospective is heading up the commitment side of the chart they'd better not be heading up the involvement side. Moreover, anyone can give an impression that they are crazy about you, with out a real willingness to commit. So, conduct yourself, not just with respect to what seems to be happening, but with what you discern is happening. Only you will know what is in a man’s heart. It is a gift from God to know, if you are open to it.

Beware of B-Choicers or flakes, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. 16 Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do serious men gather grapes of non-commitment? Even so every serious man bringeth forth good fruit; but B-choicers and flakes drag you along their road of folly forEVER.. Every B-choicher or flake that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them. (Matthew 7:17-20, some words changed to illustrate concept. Please see the New Testament for original text)

Regardless of what any man may say to you, giving him what he thinks he wants (which is often involvement and intimacy, or “playing house” as one participant calls it) will ultimately damage if not kill the relationship. What he really wants is to know is what you're made of (what you feel about yourself) and in many cases, with out knowing it, he is testing you to see what you think you're worth. If you let him set up house in your heart and in your life-- If you give him involvement and intimacy for free, or for a dollar or two then he knows, down deep, that you really don't know what you’re worth. So why would he be inclined to value you, if you don’t? For who would know better of your worth, than you?

Give men what they REALLY want, not what they THINK they want. They think they want sex. But they really only want the sex that comes with love (your SELF-love)

AVOIDING PRE-MATURE SEXUAL INTIMACY BY MOVING TOWARD WHAT YOU REALLY WANT: Whatever you do, don't fold. If you want to infuse light and love, honor and respect into a relationship, don't allow the two of you to burn up the left side of this chart, while still loitering around the right side. And don't ever kid yourself about this stuff.. "Oh this is crazy. Who came up with this stupid chart anyway? I love Jim! He loves me! Jim... Jim! Take me! I'm yours!" You'll certainly be his all right-- for the night, for a month or two perhaps. But each time you and Jim compromise, the tempered passion you need to propel you into a commitment is doused-- and the flames of true (or eternal) desire are turned into smoldering ashes of a relationship, going nowhere.

You can avoid this, by taking real steps toward what you really want. Remember, when the outcome of a relationship is ambiguous, your libido (your urgent, instinct-driven self) will seek to solidify the deal through sexual intimacy. Whenever there is ambiguity between two mutually interested people, there is increased sexual inclination. But this effort from your instinctive (libido) self is (like Scott White puts it) like sending a man with an atom bomb into a forest to hunt for a deer. He'll get the deer all right. But there won't be any forest left. Your Libido will get you together all right, but only to ultimately blow up the relationship. Physical intimacy without commitment does not build- it destroys. So the way to keep your libido from creating an integrity melt-down is by moving toward what you really want-- which is real union, not a sexual fragment of union-- but real, lasting union, or coming home. THAT’s what you want. You do have the ability to move toward what you want, with one person or another-- IN one way or another. So move ahead or move back beFORE your libido makes the decision for you.

”BRIDLE your passions” which is to steer your passion toward where it will serve you.
Let your sexual energy move you TOWARD what you want, not away from it.

6. AVOIDING COUNTER-PRODUCTIVE SEXUAL INTIMACY IN GENERAL BY MOVING TOWARD WHAT YOU REALLY WANT:

This is the secret to avoiding premature, self-defeating intimacy: Focus on what you want. Imagine yourself running through the forest like a hunter, with a bow and arrow in your hands. Do you think you’ll have time or inclination to stop at a store for some Hostess cup cakes? I don’t think so. You’re on your way to something you really want-- not filler, and not becoming someone else’s filler. Your lungs are filled with air-- your eyes with hope-- You can almost taste the dear meat in your mouth as you leap over logs, over streams, past corner markets-- past anything that you would have otherwise used to comfort yourself in your journey to nowhere. For when you are taking clear steps to what you want-- when you can see that you are going somewhere, you need no false comfort. Once you are taking clear steps toward a real union your libido will be satisfied-- “O.K.” you’re libido says, “It looks like we’re on our way. No more side roads! We’re coming in for a home run!” Thus, with your libido satisfied, your tendency toward meaningless and/or pre-mature intimacy dissipates. [Note: Love and companionship is not something we excatcly “hunt.” But It is something that we move calmly and deliberately toward. It is in this genuine effort to build that we experience, not only the calming of our libido, but a spiritual satisfaction-- regardless of the outcome.]

It's important that the intimacy lag at least a little behind the commitment. This is to constantly keep a person’s stated intentions in probation (or observation). Remember, money talks, everything else walks. A person can get real excited about a deal real fast and be talking 5 or 6 in commitment before he really knows what he's talking about. In reality, he's just excited. Allow some lag time from one level to the next to make sure each new commitment check clears the bank (Note: Any move ahead in involvement (especially intimacy) is like writing a bigger check for commitment.)

Sometimes in whirlwind romances, one party will suddenly stop dead in his tracks and in a sudden attempt to exercise prudence, either start camping out at a certain level of commitment, or even worse, start going backwards. If your boyfriend starts back down the commitment trail, (or stalls) for any reason-- i.e. to "make sure" that you're the right one- to make sure he's thinking straight- to make sure he has enough money for the honeymoon, whatever. The reason doesn’t matter. IF he stops, or begins to move backwards, immediate action needs to be taken. Integrity and self-respect melt-downs can happen very quickly when you're going at the speed of a whirlwind romance. Moreover, the thought of possibly losing someone so special is simply too much for most libidos, and out comes the A-bomb again. Thus, your commitment to get some space and explore other opportunities must immediately increase in the face of your boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s hedging. Don’t box your instinctive self into a deadlock. With dignity and good timing, move toward all that you desire-- even if it means a gradual letting go of your current choice.

Whatever you do, be honest with yourself regarding where you’re really at on the right side of the chart. It is so easy to tell yourself whatever you need to in order to feel better about racing irresponsibly up the left side of that chart. Don’t kid yourself. Let’s face it... it takes time and research to decide whether you really want someone or not. It takes as much time as you need. You be the judge of that, but in the meantime keep the left side a little behind the right. Infuse dignity, honor and the spirit into your associations and the decision process will be a lot easier.

Someone once asked me, “How far do you go up the left side of the chart if you’re dating more than one person?” The Involvement/commitment chart is simply a visual (and general) reminder of things that you have always known. You know when you’re bouncing a check. And you know when funds are getting dangerously low (when you may not be able to come through with the commitment implied by that last kiss). I would say though, if you actually need things spelled out.... If you’re dating more than one person, you’ll probably start experiencing an integrity-melt down as you pass 2 1/2 on the left sides of the chart. A good rule of thumb would be this: The more people you’re dating, the more you want to meet in restaurants and movie theaters vs. your apartment.

The chart assumes that there are ebbs and tides in intimacy. You may, for instance, receive a very passionate kiss from someone who is really still a little undecided. This can be productive, or destructive, depending on whether it is driven by the soul or by the “id.” Sometimes a person’s “id” is working in alliance with his highest self-- with his greatest vision-- the part of him that wants to be happily married, long term. But sometimes, his “id” is simply figuring out a way to not die of loneliness right now (tonight)-- and it’s panicking. In the first case it’s possible that a slight rise in involvement may be a way of catapulting the relationship into commitment. In the second case, it could be simply catapulting the relationship into chaos.

In any event, the chart is to be viewed in a general sense. By generally monitoring the level of your involvement-- by looking to see if your boyfriend or girlfriend is being careful and thoughtful-- by noticing whether your boyfriend or girlfriend is leading his “id” rather than letting it lead him, you will encourage an environment easier for you and your intended to choose within. You will moreover, be assisting your boyfriend in choosing rather than getting sucked in to the choiceless black hole of his “id’s” constant, and sometimes indiscriminate drive for involvement and intimacy.

Sometimes you choose to allow nature to work on your relationship, meaning, you choose to extend, for a limited time (sometimes even just a moment) some pretty healthy helpings of involvement in good faith. You may, for instance, go on a trip to Lake Powell with someone who has been dragging his feet (in terms of commitment). You may extend a somewhat romantic moment to someone before the level of his commitment justifies it. I call this the “involvement catapult.” Being productive with the catapult however, has two prerequisites:

1.) You must either actually have other options (other men or women you are just getting involved with) or have a calm sense of confidence and willingness to create options if none presently exist.

You must really be holding this person in a place of grace within your heart i.e.” the involvement and affection I give to you is a gift-- with no strings attached. I will risk this, and feel good about it, regardless of the outcome. I’m in no rush and I have no fear.” This is grace. Without having this, your trips to Lake Powell or that one special kiss only make you out like a puppy with a leash in her mouth. You never WAIT for anyone more than you really feel good about. You extend, from the patience and grace in your heart, gifts. They are not dragged from you through your fear of loss or loneliness. They are extended from you in the fullness of your love and of your life.

Exclusivity is a key consideration in either sending the wrong or right message about your self. If you extend too much exclusivity, too soon it can reflect (and fuel) self-doubt. Exclusivity is MAJOR. It is huge in the “Wonderful Me” formula.

Even if you do extend more social or sexual involvement than is warranted, refraining from exclusivity in and of itself can save your relationship from destruction. In fact, extending extra samples of affection than might be warranted, if combined with NON-exclusivity can sometimes create an intoxicating lure. (I’m not recommending this, by the way. I’m just saying it like it is.) The key is this: Those “for lease” signs do NOT get put back into your garage unless you have a VERY GOOD REASON to do so. You’re fine with extending some extra big samples, and some longer, funner tours of the property, but your place IS FOR LEASE until someone shows up with a check. This is the main consideration in this chapter. Your life is not about waiting.

Conclusion to Chapter 3 (part 1). You’re Life is not about waiting – It’s about creating!!

The message of chapter 2a. is that the bus is EN ROUTE. The train is leaving. “My life is happening and I am creating and attracting all the sweet and good things that lare possible (in all the best ways I know how). If you can catch me on the run” you say, “that's great! Moreover, if you didn't get on the bus in Oklahoma, maybe you can find a way to get to Kansas and get me there.” But the bus doesn’t wait for ANYone. For when you park the bus, or put a hold on your life for more than 5 or 10 seconds-- or whatever your grace period is (see below), you are usually starting on a downward spiral of self-doubt and unhappiness that will rob you of the very fuel you deserve to create the kind of life you want! For in your soul, you hear the words: "this bus is not about waiting. It's about creating! I love you Harold, and I would love for you to come with me, but ready or not, here I go.” In the abundance of your soul’s eye, you know there is only one course-- to go forward-- to go onward. And to take with you those that are also ready to go, and leave the dead (those that are not serious about you) to bury their dead.

The message you are sending by monitoring the level of involvement and the level of commitment is this: I love you, but I love me too. I want you, but it is not worth losing me to try and get you. I am a child of God and am worth the love and commitment He wants me to have. And even if I don’t fully know that that’s true, I will send a message of it’s truth by stepping into it. I will plant my heart and myself within your life, but if it does not grow there, then I will plant it where it will grow. For what I have and who I am, is wonderful and beautiful and shines throughout the universe. I will extend my involvement with you then, only in the context of your serious interest in me. For my light will not be found beneath a bushel, but upon a hill of honor and commitment. On this hill I am willing stand and love you forever-- as I see that this is what you also want.

Not knowing
There is an important footnote in all of this: Sometimes Harold just really doesn’t know, yet, what he wants. One of the messages of Chapter 2 is this:

One thing he DOESn’t want (for sure, and nor do you) is someone who is not willing to love herself, or him—someone with a scarcity mentality.

Grace and the waiting game
In either event, the trick is in our willingness to ask the right question: Are you waiting because…

1) …in a position of strength and self-belief, you are able and willing to extend some grace, or

2) because you are unwilling to believe that you are worth what you want, or that it is possible to find it ANYwhere else but in Harold.

Whichever place you are coming from will be reinforced in the waiting. If you wait for reason #1, you will really get yourself as someone who has the ability to extend grace and you will feel empowered. If you wait in position # 2, then you will affirm your scarcity mentality.

I Am A Child of God
Sending the right Message is sending a message that I am a child of God. If I’m a child of God then I believe that God will provide for me the true desires of my heart. The message of STRM is that even if I DON’T believe that, I’m willing to at least step forward in faith—that even though so much of me doubts I will ever find anyone as wonderful as Harold (or Haroldette) I am going to step forward into faith, and believe that what I build, internally, will eventually manifest externally.

A Connection between 1 (Serious Interests only) & 3 (Serious OFFERS only)
What Shows Up In Your Life

What shows up in your life is a reflection of what’s happening inside you. In this, people will tend to treat you, as you are treating yourself.

INTERESTS: The seriousness of the interests you are entertaining (i.e. A-, B+, B or A choices etc.) reflect the level of commitment you have to yourself. As I deliberately create what I want (make A-choices), my preferences begin to fine tune. If I’m seriously pursuing what I really want then I begin to feel interested in people that are doing the same.

In this sense, making A-choices starts with choosing yourself. “I’m going to get seriously interested in myself first—the values I’m willing to clarify, the plans I’m willing to work, the contributions I’m willing to make, the authentic needs (of my true self) I’m willing to meet and the happiness I’m serious about creating. I’m about creating the true desires of my heart, starting with the creation (or underscoring) of my real self.”

OFFERS: By the same token, people tend to take you as seriously as you take yourself. So as I take the different goals I have in my life seriously (in my thoughts and actions)—as I really show up for myself, then I begin to attract people who also know what they want and are serious about me. If, on the other hand, I am confused about what I want, or what I’m willing to create, then I will attract people who are also confused.

If you are willing to get serious about who you really are, in your thoughts, in how you speak of your own life and what you are about, in your vision, in your actions, in your absolute willingness to pursue the course that leads to what you want—If, in all of this, you are willing to take yourself seriously, then you will tend to attract people that also take you seriously, and are serious in their involvement with you. In this, you will find yourself in the midst of serious people, making serious offers.

If, on the other hand, you are unwilling to clear the confusion about what you are worth and what your life is about, then that’s what you will attract—other confused people, who do NOT represent serious offers.

Thus, with #1) “Interests” and #3) “Offers”, the outer world, as Vernon Howard puts it, simply reflects my inner world of my personal commitment (or lack of) and the integrity (or lack of) my spiritual condition.

*Actually asks you out on a date instead of flirting, or saying he’s going to (Talk is cheap).
*Actually asks you out vs. calling just to talk (Someone that just calls to talk, is just lonely and/or needs a FRIEND)
*Calls you at least 24 hours in advance for a date.
*Usually doesn’t try to kiss you on the first date (There are exceptions to this of course)
*Comes to YOUR house to pick you up for a date or to visit vs. inviting you to come to HIS place or meet him.
*Moves steadily along a path toward exclusivity and then toward marriage.
*Brings you flowers.
*Comes BACK from his trips to “the cave.” Read John Grey’s “Mars and Venus on a Date”
*Is physically affectionate with you.
*Typically, does NOT discuss other girls he’s dating, unless he is going VERY slow with YOU.
*Does not look around a lot at singles events. Maintains most of his eye contact with you.

COMMON TO BOTH
*Is notably with you in singles settings with plenty of other attractive, available men or women.
Maintains eye contact in his conversations with you (Note: This is note necessarily a sign of seriousness unless some of the other stuff mentioned here follows along).
*Sometimes looks directly at your lips when speaking with you (Note: This also may not necessarily be a sign of seriousness. Some people simply don’t like maintaining steady eye contact.)
*Does NOT suggest setting you up with one of his or her friends.

FOR MEN
*Suggests that you call her again, when she is not available for a date.
*Moves, with you along a path toward exclusivity and then toward marriage.
*Tastefully extends little stereo type feminine gestures such as baking some cookies or sewing a button on your shirt.
*Responds to gestures of physical affection vs. getting sick to her stomach or running.

I am precious and wonderful in the sight of God and cherished by Him. I am worth His love and the love of a wonderful companion. The choices I make in my life and in my relationships create and reflect this knowledge. One of the ways I continue to send a message of my worth is to retreat from relationships that are not what I want. This is my boundary. In this boundary my heart is safe and happy and my journey to what I want, true and sure.

In this, I am willing to honestly and to continually notice the level of someone’s commitment to me, compared to the level of our involvement. More importantly, I am willing to adjust the level of MY involvement and commitment to match (or even lag behind) the level of his or her’s commitment. By doing this I will infuse light, love and honor into all my relationships. Within this boundary then, I am willing to extend my friendship and support to my friends. But I will not allow myself to be used as a blanket in the night, or as a temporary or false security in someone else’s life. Moreover I will continually extend my love to those I can serve, but I will not become a pon in someone’s confusion. I am worth a commitment. I am worth the life-long, loving relationship I want. I do not demand it. I simply am not willing to entertain involvement without it. Please… serious offers ONLY!

Through creating this boundary, I will radiate a self-love and confidence that will attract the kind of people I truly want into to my life. As with my “A-choice” agreement, I will “build it and they will come.”

Whether I believe in my worth and value, or not (from time to time), I will continue to send a clear MESSAGE of my worth and value by keeping my “wonderful me” agreement.

I will never panic and never fold: I entertain romantic relationships with ONLY those who are clear about what they want. Moreover, I accept SUSTAINED-ACTION, as an indication of commitment, not words. If I die of loneliness then I die with honor, but in life I WILL NEVER SELL OUT. (Or, in other words, become prematurely or unduly involved.)

Step 1.) Re-read the A-Choice agreement including the A-Choice reference guide (For the Wonderful Me and Panic Agreements are both just the flip side of the A-choice agreement.)

Sept 3.) Call some current friends and go to a dance, or even a service project.