CHAPTER 2 Serious Offers Only

The first aspect of “Serious Interests Only” has to do with making A-choices, or in other words creating what you really want, (vs. fillers and distractions). From this, naturally flows your determination to maintain your objectivity. Only in our willingness to be objective do we reflect the seriousness of our desires.

You’ve clarified your intentions-- You are going after what you want-- You are deliberate and proactive, but you are prudent, and wise—wise enough to know that things (and feelings) are not always what they seem. Thus, agreement 2 is an invitation to question your own judgment vs. rushing in at full speed and making a dramatic 100 foot jump off the A-choice diving board, only to find that the pool has no water in it. Not a good program.

True Choice “ACTING” vs. being “Acted Upon”
True choice is achieved by putting your desire for objectively above your desire for involvement. It isn’t that you shy away from involvement. In fact, the only way you really can make a final choice is by getting involved. The problem is that in your anxiousness to belong, you sometimes see things that do not exist, and ignore things that do. In the delight of your hallucination then, you are sucked into an involvement vortex. This is not a choice. It is being “acted upon” vs. “acting.” In this sense, you simply end up with someone vs. truly choosing him or her.

Leaping before you look is a different road from B-choicing but is its first cousin. Moreover, the destination is the same (ending up with something you don’t really want).

After taste
Have you ever taken a bite of something and thought it tasted pretty good—but then three seconds later experienced an unpleasant “after taste”? The same is true with relationships. A relationship must be cultured to determine its true substance. To know how something tastes requires a certain amount of space and time--something that can’t happen once you’ve pre-maturely set up camp with someone. Gobbling up a plate of food that has a bad after taste can be similar to gobbling up a relationship. The gobbling is fun, but then you feel sick.

Resisting what is GOOD for you.
To see clearly while traveling down a highway, one must slow the car down a bit. Objects outside the window can then be viewed one at a time—and completely, rather than blurring together. At fast speed, even beautiful things will blur. Moreover, your spirit will resist the speed you’re traveling, even if the road is perfect for you. Because inside, you yearn, not just for the right destination, but for a good trip, or in other words, for the good feeling that comes from knowing that you are choosing. Once again, this is not to say that you should avoid involvement. Seek involvement. But seek to see the person you are getting involved with. Do whatever it takes to keep yourself choosing rather than being dragged into something by your loneliness. NOTE: This chapter makes no sense, accept in connection with Chapter 5 and 8.

Assistance in Choosing the Path of Objectivity: Time, Space, Balance and Sending a message of friendship.

1.) TIME: The object of phase 1 is to get to know someone. Getting to know someone takes time. And while getting instantly involved can be very fun, it can also make it hard to see straight. (None of this is applicable, by the way, if you’re just B-choicing. If that’s the case, go re-read Chapter 1). By really digging into Phase 1 (getting to know someone) without getting too involved, you will experience a fuller sense of choice. If, on the other hand, you go right to phase II, your sense of choice flees into the night, in exchange for the warmth of someone’s company, or as one participant put it—the temporary satisfaction of “playing house.” You will have the gratification of having someone in your life but you will have to live with many more doubts than you needed to. So, #1 is, time. Take the time to get to know him or her without setting up camp in her heart, and allowing her to set up camp in yours.

How much time do you need to really get to know someone?
Good question. At least 6 months. Research suggests 1 to 2 years. Here’s a better question:

How were you feeling beFORE you met this person?
The level of your happiness, before meeting someone, is the level of happiness you will have with him or her. For with happiness (and the general sense of love that creates it) comes vision. Through the eyes of hurt, all the world is distorted. But through the eyes of love and happiness, the world appears as it is. Which lead us to some really important issues for divorced folks…

If You’re Divorced, Give yourself the Gift of Time
Divorce carries with it sad, angry, blaming and sometimes bitter feelings. These feelings tend to fester, and even build or peak before they heal. If, during the building and peaking stage, you allow yourself to become involved with someone, you will usually find that he or she will make your previous relationship look like a birthday party. For the eyes of your hurt will distort your vision, and you will probably make a very unwise choice. The tricky part of this is that your “festering,” hurt feelings usually operate beneath the surface. In fact, especially if you are a religious person, you will sometimes feel like you have “bounced back” far too soon. You may experience, in this light, feelings of forgiveness and reconciliation and feel ready to “move on” far before you actually are.

Remember this, the same thing that drives us to divorce, will drive us to another marriage, and will probably drive you out of THAT marriage, into another one. This one thing is “dependency.”

The “Dependencies
Dependent: A baby is dependent on his Mother because he has no way of caring for himself. He is helpless. Hunger, isolation, physical harm are all real considerations. As we get older, to the degree that we feel helpless against certain enemies, we also find ourselves feeling dependent. Shame and guilt are two of the biggest enemies we perceive. They are monsters, continually looming about, leaving us afraid of their return.   Until our shame and guilt are healed, the dependency will continue.
Co-Dependent: Co-Dependency is the flip side of dependency. Co-dependency is also motivated by shame and guilt, but co-dependency says “If I can get you to need me then I am certainly worth something, and have no need to feel guilty or ashamed.”   Co-dependence is depending on you depending on me.   Co-dependent people, in this sense, usually hook up with sociopathic or addictive personalities so that they can REALLY be needed.   “How could you ever need me if you are healthy and happy?” the co-dependent person wonders. In fact, it is common for a co-dependent/dependent relationship to break up, once the dependent person begins to achieve some level of independence. Dr. James Jones says that when a co-dependent person is about to die, someone else’s life flashes before her eyes.   The dependent person needs someone to help him through life. The CO-dependent person needs someone to GIVE him or her a life.
Counter-Dependence: This is the trickiest of all, for it masquerades as independence. Counter dependence is resisting one’s dependence or co-dependency. It is, as the word suggests, to go counter to it-- to head in the opposite direction, which is not independence, but counter-dependence. Counter-dependence is protection. “I am sick of being victimized and hurt.” It is not getting the full picture of the painful experiences in your life. It is only getting the victim aspect of these experiences.   And in this it is the fear of being hurt again. It is resisting this possibility and in the end, it will tend to recreate whatever was so painful in the first place… but this time, bigger and nastier than ever. BECAUSE, unlike dependence, counter-dependence is a secret compressed energy, hidden well -- at least to you -- everyone else can see it. Dependency and co-dependency are at least out in the open. Counter dependency though requires energy to conceal, leaving your heart now more abandoned and vulnerable than before.

THE COUNTER-DEPENDENCE/INDEPENDENCE HALLUCINATION
Below, is a chart showing what the person who is moving into “counter-dependency”
thinks he or she is moving into.

Counter Dependence is best summarized in the sweeping statement… “Oh the hell with all of them. I’d rather live alone.”

INDEPENDENCE
Independence isn’t a reaction to dependence or Co-dependence.
It is a state of peace which is absent of both of these other states.

Independence: Independence is the goal). Independence is a heart that is open. For it is the knowledge that one’s heart (and the worth of his or her soul) cannot be destroyed. It is the knowledge that I am love. It is the understanding that I may not always get what I want, but that I will always BE who I am. I will always be loved and valuable. Independence is happiness. They are the same thing. Happiness does not care who it is happy WITH, or IF there is anyone to be happy with. It is not to say that being alone is a happy thing. It is to say that the happy, independent person simply doesn’t SEE himself as alone. With an open heart, the independent person is simply plugged into the ever flowing love of his or her Heavenly Father. He does not simply have “self” esteem, he has, as some put it “God esteem.” He just gets that God loves him, so he’s feeling pretty danged lovable. He gets that God forgives him and gently urges him along his path, so he’s feeling forgiven and reconciled, peaceful and free. Here’s the deal. For most of us, coming into this state is going to take a little longer than we’d like.

Dependence and codependence is simply not being connected with who I am (who I am to God, and who I really am to all those that I can serve, including myself). And in this state of fear, and questioning it is almost the fear that I will stop being at all, unless I can either be needed by you or have you directly supply my own needs.

Interdependence: Interdependence is simply a face of independence. It is to be free of dependencies and addictions, including my addiction to fixing you, or saving you. In this state of freedom, interdependence is the ability to CHOOSE a relationship rather than being dragged into one by one’s need for self-protection (protection from the monsters of shame and unworthiness). It is to say “I am choosing to depend on you. It is a choice, not a compulsion.” Unlike Barry Manilow’s song “ I CAN fly without you.” I just really want you to join me, not because I don’t love myself, and need you to protect me from my loneliness, but because I truly do love YOU.

Independence and Time: Time is a major factor in experiencing independence, and is especially important if you’re recently divorced. What you want is to give yourself some time for the negative charge to heal, and the emotional toxins to flush from your body. Have you ever noticed that when you’re eating a lot of junk, that you crave it? But that when you fast, or begin flushing your system, your taste starts changing. That’s what you want in your relationships—INDEPENDENT, CLEAR taste buds—and a spiritual body free of toxins. If you still have some toxins in your spirit and in your emotions, give yourself this wonderful gift of TIME. This is an essential part of your path objectivity. It is even more important with divorced people: time in between your relationships, and time IN your relationships.

2.) SPACE: Along with time, comes space. Because once you’ve gone in the water, and you’re warm, and the air is cold, it’s hard to get out, even if the pool is filled with toxic waste. This tendency for what some call “love-addiction” is based in the loneliness we discussed above—voices in our minds, screaming out for validation— for someone to take away the pain of your self-doubts. To choose the path of objectivity though, you want to “dry out” as much as possible. Take the time to practice hearing past the voices. Moreover, listen to the even deepest yearnings of your heart—one of which is to truly choose! -- or as one person put it to “act vs. being acted upon.” Creating more space in a relationship tunes you into this desire and quiets the urge to jump the gun. Tuning into this deeper desire quiets the impulsive, secondary desires of validation and instant intimacy by sending a message to your soul that you are willing to actually choose-- and to eventually find, in this willingness, the lasting intimacy and affection you need.

“Jumping” as my friend Sue used to call it (leaping before you look) only sabotages the intimacy you want. Choosing a path of objectivity creates it.

It may sound like I’m saying that every man/woman relationship is like a 5^th of gin. I’m not. I am saying that, when it comes to love, one can tend to be a little trigger-happy. Creating some space relaxes your trigger finger. As Dr. Laura puts it, the more distance you put between you and your impulses, the less power they have over you. # 2 is space. Put space in between your visits with him or her. Get out of the pool every once in a while so that you can walk around it and get a look at it. In the meantime, it may be a good idea to do some pool hoping. Once again, all of this is especially true if you are divorced.

3.) BALANCE:
Getting cleaned up
If you drink, you know that alcohol takes away your appetite. The alcohol takes the place of food. The love addict (as we all are to one degree or another), likewise, can quickly become so drunken with involvement that she can’t even remember what kind of man she was hungry for in the first place— Was it Chinese food she liked?.. or Mexican? What you want then, is to get past the first couple of men or women in the dating store (who are, by the way, usually “on sale”). To do this, you must first dry out a little bit (or a LOT). We are again, talking about getting the toxins out of your body. You may even want to consider a “man or woman fast” [Here are some examples of the types of fasts you could do:

Level 1 Fast – No men/women for____days. Friends of the same sex only, or friends of the opposite sex that are clearly friends.
Level 2 Fast – Friendship Dating. This is facilitated largely through abstaining from sexual contact. This does not mean you will not give someone a hug or even a kiss. It means that you will deliberately not stir sexual feelings through contact with this person.

So, in a level 2 fast, you are open to being with people you’re attracted to and seriously interested in, but you send a clear message of friendship by keeping passion out of the relationship for a pre-determined amount of time, regardless of how you feel.   Moreover, friendship becomes the theme and feeling in your dating experience, even more so (see #4, below).

NOTE: Be careful not to confuse fasting with counter-dependency. They are two very different things. One is action. The other is reaction. One is love. The other is fear. One will open your heart to the kinds of relationships you want; The other will attract more nightmares.

(Search for “Man-fast agreement” on your CD rom workbook, or find it in your printed workbook).

Onward to “BALANCE”
Independence (or “detoxing”) is strengthened by balance.
Balance is to pay attention to and to answer ALL of your needs vs. just your need for romantic intimacy.   What do YOU need? Here are some of the things you MIGHT need more than you think:
*Health (Supplied through wholesome food and exercise)
*Intellectual Challenge and Growth (Supplied by classes, books etc.)
*Feeling connected and useful in this world (Supplied through serving others, community service, time with your kids, friends and people at your church)
*Personal Reverence and Spirituality (Supplied through prayer, meditation, fasting, ritual, sacred reading)
*Friends and Fun (Supplied through associations, parties, on line social networks, dances, activities etc.).
*Accomplishment (Supplied through throwing yourself into some projects that really excite you—things that fill the measure of your creation and bring you joy and rejoicing in a deep place inside.)

All these things will create balance in your life and will tend to stabilize your relationship with your new boyfriend or girlfriend. The more balance you create in your life the less likely you are to experience the shopping on an empty stomach syndrome.

*Balance In Dating
I mention this last, because it deserves a special focus. In our journey to independence it is easy to get sucked into pre-mature exclusivity. BIG MISTAKE!!! Your real self LONGS to feel the balancing effect of tasting the wine, rather than drinking it. In your real self, you absolutely yearn to really get a look at people, by comparing one to another, without getting so drunk on one, that you can’t even TASTE the others.

Wine tasting contests involve tasting the wine, not drinking it. Otherwise everyone would be too drunk to even know which wine they liked the most!

The Basic re-bound pattern results from loneliness. It's easy to confuse B-choices for A-choices in a state of loneliness. It is easy to become involved with a mirage. If you’ve just come out of a relationship, even if you feel sure that this next one is an A-choice, force yourself to infuse time, space and balance into your relationship and to limit the coziness and familiarity until you've really been able to take a good look at the relationship. And date other people! If, in the initial stages of a relationship, you tell yourself you can only date one person at a time, you may simply be justifying your re-bound.

If there is no one else you're interested in…. prospect!! Force yourself to continue to prospect, to stay involved with things you love-- and to generally balance. Don't let yourself get sucked into a relationship vortex that is caused more from your loneliness than the rightness of the relationship. Consider this question:

Through time, space, and balance through, you will give the relationship a chance to “culture,” or, to turn more and more into what it will one day really be. If you still like what you see then go for it! THEN is the time for a higher degree of involvement and exclusivity.

Here’s something else you may want to ask yourself if you feel like you’re rebounding: "What kind of man would get so involved with me so fast?" The answer is: one just like you- just as unwilling to be wise and careful- just as willing to get involved with your kids (in some cases) as you are willing to become involved with his (before there is any commitment)-- just as unstable as you-- with just as many internal doubts. Is this what you want in a mate? Is this what you want to offer a mate?

Choose objectivity. Let it start with you. Get to know him.
Do fun things with him or her. If you'd like to see how he is with your kids, keep it brief-- here and there... just enough to help you discern what he or she might be like later. Come home early from dates. Give attention to other relationships and other areas in your life in-between dates. Enjoy being alive. It’s great! And you are getting it down! So #3 is balance: Friends, other prospects, your career goals, other passions and projects, spirituality, service, sports, recreation and fun etc. Balance creates accurate vision.

Trauma Bonding, as one of my participants put it, is, in light of tragedy, is to bond with someone that you might not normally bond with— i.e. a wounded soldier bonding with his nurse. Choosing the path of objectivity is to recognize a kind of probationary element to any relationship (especially quick starts). It is not protectiveness or defensiveness. It is simply awareness. It is to be open to the answer to this question: “Am I genuinely choosing this person, or, in light of trauma, am I bonding to her in a way that I may not otherwise do?”

There is a line ina song I wrote: “Here’s love, so strange; how it takes the form of some certain face.” Love is much more rare than it needs to be. For this reason, when we experience it, our tendency is to start building an alter at the precise location we found it, and to start worshiping. We, in other words, are so enamored with the exalting feeling of intimacy that we mistakenly assume it only has one location— i.e. this face, this person, this time and this place. This is not to dilute the significance and beauty of romantic love.

It is beautiful. But if the caldron of our romance somehow breaks and the water spills, it does not need to be the end of intimacy (the end of water). There are other places to drink. As we will read in Chapter 8, these places may not look or act like we thought they should. Nevertheless, if we are willing, we can drink. And we will not die. Having other intimate relationships besides the one you are having with bachelor(ette) #1 can reduce your fear of dieing of thirst.

With fear reduced, it is easier to take your time in the choosing process. It is also easier to maintain some internal security—internal security that can assist you in showing up as your real self for this person-- so that they can get a better look at YOU.

The difference between being a “player” and choosing the Path of Objectivity
There are a couple of things to consider with respect to the question of “players.”
First of all, men will always seem more like players than women. There are two reasons for this:
1) Men tend to connect with their feelings through physical affection. Sometimes a man isn’t sure what he feels until that first kiss. This is sometimes true with women, but I believe it is a little truer with men. If this is true, then it will also be true that a man sometimes (and I’m not encouraging this) will date several women at once, and be affectionate to some degree with all of them just to see how he feels toward them.
2) Men tend to be hunters. Once something is conquered, his natural tendency is to move on to the next victory. This is another reason why men gravitate more to the “player” role. It’s because they are.

What IS a Player?
Someone who is choosing the path of objectivity may date several people at once as a way of keeping himself objective. This is a serious investigation on his part, to determine his serious interests. The person Choosing the path of Objectivity is PRO-active. He is trying to create something.

A “player” on the other hand (in my mind) also dates several people at once, but has different motives. He continues to dabble without ever diving in, because he is afraid. He is afraid of being hurt, let-down, rejected or disappointed. He is afraid of not being truly known and loved for who he is? This is why he “plays” at relationships, rather than committing to one.

Can you relate to any of the “players” concerns? Do you ever experience a fear of being hurt, letdown, rejected, disappointed? Are you ever concerned about not being truly known and loved for who you are?

If the answer to any of these questions was “yes”, I wouldn’t be too concerned about trying to figure out who the “players” are anymore. Worry about what YOU are. For whatever you are is what you will attract.

There are people that “play” several relationships at once, for protection and those that date several at once for objectivity. I am convinced that to some degree, in this light we are all “players” and that to some degree we are all “genuine daters.” The real question then would be, in a percentage estimate, how much of a genuine dater are you and how much of a “player” are you? i.e. 20% player / 80% genuine dater. Now THAT’s a good question.

I’ve got an even better question for you, coming up…
Choosing the Path of Objectivity in the World of Sexual Attraction and Affection
In the question of physical intimacy, there are 3 possible paths.

Level 3 HIGHEST
Sending a very clear message of friendship in the initial stages of a relationships vs. stirring sexual feeling. This does not mean you are not attracted to each other. It simply means you are leaning into the friendship dimension of your relationship.

Level 2 SECOND BEST (What some would call the “Player’s” World)
Stirring sexual feelings within several relationships at once – off setting pre-mature commitments with ONE through creating a multiple attachments. This is not a great program and I am NOT recommending it. But it is much better than level 1.

Level 1 WORST
Stirring sexual feelings with ONE PERSON and then making a pre-mature commitment as a way of catching up the level of your commitment with the level of your involvement – trying to convince yourself about the rightness of the relationship in order to cover up the craziness of your involvement -- attempting to make the level of your sexuality legal, which cannot be done through a piece of paper, or a premature pseudo-commitment.
NOTE: Dr. Charles Hinds said, “sex is a celebration.” It is a celebration of commitment (which is the stuff of love). And REAL commitment cannot be made quickly (in an effort to legitimize sex). REAL commitment LEADS sexuality, and is not lead BY sexuality. It is encouraged by it, and should be. But it is not lead by it. There’s a difference.

Here’s my question? Which is better: To be a “player” or to end up in a shot-gun marriage? I’m not suggesting either. But I AM suggesting that you avoid level 3 at all costs.

Let me put the benefit of Level 3 in no uncertain terms:

The single most detrimental element to truly getting to know someone (in the early stages of a relationship) is to stir sexual feelings. There is a difference between tickling those feelings and STIRRING them. You know the difference. And you know that when you stir these kinds of feeling up, that you know longer can see straight. If you want to get to know someone-- this is the price. This is the sacrifice. The more you get used to making it, the easier it will be. Soon, being a member of the V.V.L.C. (virtually virgin lips club) will be one of your greatest blessings—not because you are without passions, but because you would like your passions to work FOR you, not against you.

The single most powerful element to truly getting to know someone (in the early stages of relationship) is to tune into each other's souls.

The fourth element of choosing the path of objectivity is what I call "making friends, not lovers." This differs somewhat from the above issue of making friends, and getting that you’re not going to die of thirst. This section is about the message you are sending in with your dates. Creating an environment of friendship, even if you think you’re in love, can be very stabilizing.

In sending a message of friendship we are saying, "I hope to be a part of your life, in some way, forever-- and you, part of mine." This message fosters a certain sense of security that, in itself, can soften the sexual energy in a relationship—an energy that can keep you from choosing the path of objectivity.

Getting to know and love someone can feel very risky because of the uncertain outcome of the relationship. As Michael McLean puts it, It’s “hard to say goodbye and let go” sometimes. But what if you knew, going in, that the person you’re getting to know is a commitment you are making forever—that in a real sense, you will never say goodbye. This creates a sense of lasting love and friendship. More importantly, it minimizes the risk, for how can you lose when you’ve made a friend? You can’t. And knowing that, you feel more relaxed, inclined to open your heart and receive someone else’s and to therefore really be in a position to SEE the relationship for whatever it might naturally be.

This is to say that connecting with the very real, eternal love that someone has for you and that you have for them, keeps you from worrying about losing it. For you cannot lose something that by it’s nature IS ETERNAL. Letting go of your fear of loss, in turn, can make you feel more secure in the relationship, more objective and less rushed.

Note: Being a friend is different from the sending “friendship vibes” (discussed in Chapter 6]. You are a man. She is a woman. You're attracted to her. You don't mind her seeing this. You are simply willing to send her a message of love and honor by BEING a friend FIRST and your agenda for romance second. In this sense, friendship and attraction are not mutually exclusive. In fact, in the long run they are definitely, mutually enhancing. Being a friend, by the way, does not necessarily mean announcing your friendship to each other, or clarifying how good it is that “we are friends.” You can do this, but it tends to send a message of permanent friendship, and curtails other possibilities.

Never go shopping (or in words, go exclusive), hungry. Otherwise you will fill your life up so quickly with whatever is on sale (or, whatever comes easy and fast) that you won’t be able to shop. Having friends and sending a message of friendship takes the edge off your hunger

“My initial tendency is to rush in head first. Being a friend to my wife first, took a lot of effort. But through our quiet and blossoming friendship I was able to see what Debbie was like, in day-to-day life. And I loved what I saw. More importantly, I saw what I saw, without the whirlwind vision I have usually tried to get to know someone in.” -- Jim Wimble

Sending a message of friendship is made possible in an open and fearless heart
Recently, my soul has felt directed to this path: -- to completely open my heart to a woman I have been dating—and to say within myself, “I will always love you. And in this sense I will always know you, and you me, and we will have a part in each other forever. In this, I will never have to fear abandonment. For in true love, abandonment is not possible. Thus, I open my heart completely by giving as true of a love as I can. In doing this, rather than feeling more afraid, I feel more secure. I will feel vulnerable. But it is not the vulnerability of a piece of thin ice, but of a newly plowed plot of land, open and inviting—filled with the possibility of what may grow within it’s rows.

Choosing an open and fearless heart is made possible through balance
This path is possible in the context of balance. For without balance, no matter where you’d like your heart to be, it will tend to be out of control. Balance or filling your life with all you truly need create the healed ground in which wonderful things grow.

Just to make sure you’re getting a hang of “choosing the path of objectivity”, you may want to pick up (or copy) some “just say no” cards (from STRM headquarters). Remember, if you are as wonderful as Heavenly Father feels you are, then you are worth giving yourself the time and space you need to choose objectively-- You are worth the results that clear-headedness produces. Pick whichever card works for you and make as many copies as you need.

I am recently divorced, on the rebound and highly vulnerable. It is likely that before

this date is over I will have asked you to marry me.

JUST SAY NO

www.sendingtherightmessage.com

I am recently divorced and lonely, but at least smart enough not to make any pre-mature commitments. On the other hand, I’m feeling so affection starved that I could end up launching a serious relationship TONIGHT based purely on physical attachment. So, if I try to kiss you tonight, or try to get YOU to kiss ME…

JUST SAY NO

www.sendingtherightmessage.com

Practical assistance in sending a message of friendship
1.) Point your dating experience toward activities and fun.

Stay away from each other’s apartments. Have a plan. Have real dates. Get out and about. Hang out in each other’s places with each other’s friends. Explore as many things as you can with each other. You will get to know each other along the way, but in a much more objective sense. And that’s what choosing the path of objectivity is all about.
2.) Point your conversation to places other than your relationship
Explore feelings, thoughts and things you’re excited about. Avoid discussing your relationship (see more on this in Chapter 4) and point your conversations toward the discussion of mutual interests and passions (other than each other).
3.) Point your affection to a wholesome experience.
Your affection in the early stages of a relationship should fill your heart, not your hormones. Obviously, in any normal dating situation, hormones are involved. The thought here is to, as much as possible, steer your affection toward an uplifting experience. Truly give to each other, in a way that would not make you feel uncomfortable if the relationship was to end in a week.

Re-Setting Yourself
There is another advantage in all of the above. Courting someone for 1 to 2 years (which is very helpful in reducing the chances of divorce) is only possible in the realm of restrained passion—in the realm of, in other words, a slow and stable friendship. If you are going on a trip to San Diego from Salt Lake City, you unconsciously “set” yourself for 12 to 13 hours. You say, “I’m going to be in this car for 13 hours. I won’t be getting out, and that’s O.K. I’m going to enjoy the ride.” If, however, you start the trip, and then as you approach Provo (an hour south of Salt Lake) consider the possibility that you may want to get out there for a while, you will suddenly be ill at ease and cease to enjoy the ride. You have let your setting go from 13 hours to an hour. The ability you have to what I call “re set” your self (sexually), is achieved in a dating relationship which has it’s basis in friendship.

Patience
My friend Arlyn says that there is one thing that makes the above two paragraphs possible: Patience. An old word, still as important today as ever.

Choosing the path of objectivity is monitoring and slowing down the natural human tendency for attachment so that your choosing process can proceed clearly and unencumbered. The process of choosing is more than considering your feelings. It is an examination of values, of vision, similarities, conflict resolution, socio-economic background and expectation, child rearing, trust and reliability. Moreover, in connection with all the above, it is an examination of your real feelings for this person. These feelings can sometimes only be distilled in time (6 months to 2 years, depending on the kind of person you are and the state of mind you are in). So the process of choosing the path of objectivity is to allow the clearest of choices to distill in an environment of personal balance and reduced attachment and or addiction.

The fact that you would even need to monitor attachment is in and of itself, evidence of your need to choose from a distance.

Here’s the message: I am worth the time, space and balance it takes to create objectivity in my life. I am worth going through whatever process I need to make the kind of choice I would really like and deserve.

Space, time, friendship and personal balance will keep him or her visible to you. You will see her for who she is, rather than who you need her to be. This is the process of distilling a clear picture.

When you have “fallen in attachment” (which is more accurate to say than “fallen in love”), you struggle to see. Moreover, in this state of hallucination, you will either move quickly toward the object of your love or now, with so much on the line, you will run from it, or scare it away.

But when you become free, you will be able to see-- to remain calm and to choose.

What is freedom? It is the state of simply knowing who you are, what you really want and how much you are loved on earth and in Heaven. It is a state we practice getting to each day in
quiet times —a state of pure knowing, of pure, being… without any attachment to what might make our “being” better.

Imagine a submarine traveling through the ocean with barnacles attached to all the windows up at the front. In this condition it has a difficult time choosing left or right, up or down etc. As is known to mariners though, if the sub will find it’s way through certain channels to fresh water, the barnacles will fall off and vision will be restored.

This “fresh water” is the quietness we establish throughout the day and in that quiet, the open channel of communication between God and ourselves.

John Gray uses a prayer/affirmation that he repeats over and over: “Heavenly Father, My heart is open. Please come and sit in my heart.” This kind of affirmation, or prayer or retreat to a sacred place loosens your barnacles (your tendency for premature attachment), and helps you to continue to see. Ultimately, the 4 dimensions of technique in choosing the path of objectivity mentioned above lead to and rest in this process: discovering freedom-- a place of being grounded in God’s love.

In this state of unattatchement you will not have such a hard time giving yourself a little space in a relationship. More importantly, you will not even need as much space. For this freedom was the reason you created some space in the first place… and now you have it. And when you are in this place, you will be able to actually choose, and you will continue to take whatever road is necessary to keep choosing.

When I feel attached to someone, I cannot see him or her any longer. I can only see my need for him or her. But as I become free—and as God takes me by the hand and walks me out from my fear of loneliness, into a knowledge of His love, THEN I can see this person, and choose well. Choosing the path of objectivity is not concerned then, with how far you are from the person you’re involved with, but how close you are to God, and to yourself.

Time, space, balance and friendship are the road to freedom. They create it. But in a way, they are also the natural result of freedom.

In this sense, choosing the path of objectivity e isn’t so much about distracting yourself from your feelings (through other relationships or projects) as it is about being internally free so that the truest of your feelings can surface.

Choosing well happens in the right place, more than it does by using the right techniques. The techniques only lead you to the place.

Please see the “Choosing the Path of Objectivity” agreements in the Chapter 2 section of the workbook)

More tips on “Choosing the Path of Objectivity”
1. Talk on the phone a lot. Being in someone’s physical presence can affect your hormones, and your thinking, radically. Talking on the phone can counteract your frenzy and help create a more objective look at the relationship (so long as you don’t talk about how fun it will be to physically be with each other again and all the different ways you plan on touching or kissing etc.)
2. Get the person you’re in love with angry if you can, to see how they handle anger. I’m half kidding on this one, but it would be a bad idea.
3. Take a personality test and have your prospective do the same.
4. Get to know your perspective’s Mother. This will tell you a lot.
5. Audition for Survivor together
6. Start a business together
7. Meet with each other’s Former spouses for feedback.
8. Get references.
9. See how they do in the “Re-tuning Your Attraction Frequency” of “Sending the Right Message.” This will tell you a lot too.

Special thanks to Thomas Monson, Vernon Howard and Cally for their assistance or thoughts In connection with this chapter.

2) Choosing the Path of Objectivity Agreement
Sometimes called “Choosing from a Distance”

No matter how charming I think someone is-- no matter how attracted I am to him or her-- no matter how much I yearn to cozy up with him or her emotionally and/or physically-- no matter what my natural inclination-- I choose the path of objectivity. I will do this through Time, Space, Balance and creating and environment of Friendship. In connection with this agreement, I spend time each day in the quiet of God’s love. There, I feel my attachments to people and things, loosening, and my soul becoming free. In this freedom is my ability to see, and to therefore choose well.

In making this promise, I am sending a message of worth to myself: What I choose is worth the time it takes to choose it. I am worth giving myself space enough to see. I’m committed to creating what I want (and what I’m worth) by making sure I get a good look at it. I cannot see very clearly if my mind and body are a swirling mass of attachment and hormones. I can only see, and choose well as I carefully preserve my emotional and spiritual independence, day by day and relationship to relationship.

To the best of my ability I will choose what and who I truly want vs. getting sucked into an involvement vortex before I can even MAKE a choice.

As I begin to get more committed (for real), then I will let my involvement with you rise to meet the level of my commitment. (See Intimacy Chart in Chapter 3)