CHAPTER 1 Serious Interests Only

”Every brain is both a receiving set and a broadcasting station for the vibrations of thought-- a fact which explains moving with definiteness of purpose instead of drifting. …The brain can be so thoroughly charged with the nature of it’s purpose (or desire) that it will begin to attract the physical or material of that purpose”- Napoleon Hill (some slight changes made for the purpose of this book)

The terms "A-choice" and "B-choice" are used here in a subjective sense. One man's A-choice could be another man's B-choice. If you feel better about Mexican food than seafood, but stop at “Red Lobster” because “Los Hermanos” is 3 blocks further up the road, you may be making a B-choice. [If, by the way, “Los Hermanos” is in New York (and you don't even own a car), but still insist on eating there, read chapter 8].

A “B-choice” is something you really don’t feel good about--- something you really don’t want-- but in the darkness of your panic or fear, it is something you choose. In relationships it is best summarized with the expression “Mr. Right-Now” vs. “Mr. Right.”

Interestingly, some of your “B-choices” might actually be the best thing for you. But for whatever reason, you just aren’t interested (Sometimes, you are just not inclined toward happiness. See “The Law of Opportunity” in Chapter 8). Nevertheless, if you’re doing your best to choose what you really want (what the real and whole you wants), you’re making A-choices. You believe that this choice will deliver happiness. You may not be right, and we will address why you are attracted to what you are later. But agreement #1 is, to the best of your knowledge, you are at least CHOOSING, rather than just going with the flow of events or impulses that lead you to what you for sure do not want.

In every moment-- in relationships, in food, career, you are either creating what you honestly want and feel good about, or not. You are making A-choices, or B-choices. Your A-choices are the pursuit of serious interests. Your B-choices are the pursuit of amusement, filler or relief from loneliness, as you wait for serious interests to somehow just magically appear (in this life, or the next).

This is the question: When it comes to relationships, why on earth would you be dating someone you don’t really want?

I was watching this fellow working on a very steep roof with my friend Arlyn the other day. I mentioned how much I admired this fellow’s “nerves of steel.” Arlyn's comment was perfect. "That’s no big thing”" he said. “I could do that” but then added, "It's falling off that would be a problem." My conversation with another friend (Susan) went along the same lines. "I've found myself involved with a lot of men I’m not really serious about the last few months” she said. “Ultimately” she went on” I think I’ve got a fear of commitment." “It's not the commitment you're afraid of Susan” I said. “It's the UNcommitment that's bothering you-- uncommitment from someone that really COULD hurt you vs. the fillers."

Thus, the B-choice syndrome starts with the fear that you are either not worth what you want, or that if you become attached to someone you really want, you might eventually lose her. So, in your weakness, you #1 avoid going for what you want & #2 comfort yourself in your state of whimpiness by killing time with the ones you don’t want

The B-choice syndrome (virtually) is making a list of 50 girls that you want, prioritizing from 1 to 50, and starting with #30. “Hey. If SHE doesn’t like me… big deal! I don’t like her either!” Moreover, it is filling your life with friends and low-risk prospects, leaving no space for the ones you might actually want.

Even more importantly though, in B-choicing, not only do you not have the time or energy for potential A-choices, your double mindedness has left you lacking in virtue and emotional balance. And it is these two ingredients, within YOU that attract TO you what you really want. But now, having driven away what you want, you need more sedatives to take away the pain of your failure. This is the B-Choice syndrome.

Brian’s missing “sparkle”

I had my friend Brian come over the other day to meet Mary. I thought they were well suited. Brian, however, is a compulsive B-choicer. He would never let a Friday or Saturday night go by without making sure that he had a "date" -- whether he was really that interested or not in the person-- just someone to fill the space-- just enough of a woman to keep him feeling unalone, but not enough of what he really wanted to make him commit. I knew of Brian's struggle but I figured the meeting would be worth a chance. After their date, I asked them both, separately, for a reading. Brian said that he was very interested. Mary though, said something very interesting. "Very nice guy. I liked him" she said. "But he lacked sparkle. Something was missing."

Something was missing. For Brian had let his energy spill upon the ground--his virtue and his integrity. His sparkle was gone.

What’s tough is that the B-choice syndrome feeds itself. For the more you doubt your worth, the less willing you are to take chances-- and more inclined you will be toward “fillers." Moreover, the more you B-choice, the more sparkle and charisma you lose-- the worse you feel about yourself, the less confidence you have-- making you now, less inclined than ever to go after or to attract your A-choices.

In many cases, B-choicing goes from dating to commitment and to remorse. Jenny is a good example. Jenny is a striking, charismatic women-- She is sexy, funny, caring and fun. But Jenny doubts her buying power. She may get her confidence up every once in a while and say "enough with all my B-choicing. I'm going for something I really want!" But within days (sometimes hours) Jenny is driving off another lot with a car that she really doesn't want, feeling somewhat comforted though, that she at least has a car (for the moment).

Jenny is now involved with the first car she test drove-- and faced with the frustrating fact that, at some level, he wasn’t what she wanted. But what can she do now? This poor guy has obviously centered his life around her and she feels obligated... stuck.

If you are presently not B-choicing, rejoice! Stay on track! You've got money to spend! You're shopping for something you really want. Don’t get sucked into all the little trinket shops and All-A-Dollar stores on your way to the mall.

All of God's children are A-choices to HIM. But deliberately compromising is turning someone into a cheap little All-A-Dollar store. It is using someone for your security rather than honoring him with your sincere desire.

You only have so much time and spiritual/emotional energy to spend. Why would you want squander your resources with people you don't want? If there aren’t some purchases you're seriously interested in at the moment, invest your money (your time and energy) into a high yielding annuity. Serve in your community, develop your talents, fill your mind with beautiful things, fellowship the down hearted. Because what happens when you invest your resources, rather than squander them? They grow. And while you’re looking for what you want, guess what? You are increasing in the spiritual, social and character assets that will attract it. You are becoming what you want.

Think about it. What do the ones you really want, want? Certainly not some whimpy little co-dependent worm that has to be out on a date every night of the week in order to feel like he or she can LIVE! Right!?-- certainly not someone who blows his resources over at the amusement park rather than using them wisely.

Hold on to your money (your time, your intimacy and virtue) so that you'll be ready to purchase when the deals you want come along.

You are hungry. You are very hungry sometimes, right? You’re getting ready to leave your home, go down to the store and buy some lettuce and vegetables for a salad. But you're very hungry, and it just seems like such a big fuss doesn't it? But you’re committed to your health so you grab your keys and start out the door.

Oh no, just as you’re about to leave you notice one of the cupboards open and see the corner of a huge bag of fresh, barbecued potato chips (your favorite kind). You stop dead in your tracks... keys in hand-- door half open-- hungry. You think for a moment (a small moment). "Oh what the heck" you say, “I'll go ahead and just have a few, then go to the store.” So you turn on the tube, break out the chips and, well, you know what they say about chips... so hard to just eat ONE. Thirty minutes later, you look like the Cookie monster-- chips all over the floor-- all over yourself-- the bag of chips empty and your stomach so full of grease you can't even get up off the couch to get to the door. And even if you could, your hands are too greasy to open it.

Feel good? Feel satisfied? You bet. You've got something in your little tummy don't you? But you aren't really very happy are you? No. And in fact you've lost your appetite for salad. So you stay home, watch TV and lose your chance to get what you really wanted-- what you really needed. For it is easier to settle with what you don't want, then to go through the hunger that you sometimes need to get what you do want. Chips are quick relief for an empty stomach, just as someone you don't really want (but who can keep you warm at night) is quick relief for an empty life.

Keep going through that door. Leave the chips in the cupboard. Even when you start going through B-choice withdrawal!... Hold ON! so that, as Michael McLean says, “the light” and joy of your integrity “will come.”

For it is only in the doing that you will know. This is one of the blessings that can come after the trial of your faith (after overcoming your temptation to B-choice)-- this is the only way you can know your worth... as you not just think on it, or read about it (though this is huge too), but as you act on it. Ultimately, it is in the very act of walking through the darkness of your doubt and compromise that you develop eyes strong enough to see the truth of your worth.

"If any man shall do his will, he shall know of the doctrine; whether it be of God, or [whether] I speak of myself" John 7:17 (One of the main “doctrines” being that you are a child of God.)

In my early years, my own experience with B-choicing was long and ugly. It started when my childhood sweetheart decided she didn't love me "like that." (What did she love me like.. I often wondered... a gold fish? ...a tree?)

I showed up at college like a love-seeking missile. I was going to find love if I had to turn off every woman in sight in the attempt. It was amazing how many girls didn't like me. Have you ever been aquatinted with a love starved dog-- you know, the kind that paws at you and whines until you pet him and love him? Could you imagine feeling romantic toward that dog?--or toward a man that acted like that? That was me! So, I ended up feeling even more rejected.

Then, my social life took a turn for the good. I had a No. 1 song through out the region: "What If I Loved You?" It was on all the stations. I was interviewed on TV, radio and newspaper. High schools used the song as their prom theme. People stopped me in stores to get my autograph. What a hit I was! Suddenly Mr. rejection had his pick. But I was too scared of being rejected by someone I really might want (I’d been down that road). I loved all the attention from all the women... and it wasn't that I really avoided the ones I wanted, per se. It was just that so much space and energy was being taken by the ones I didn't want, that I didn't have room for anyone else. But even if I did, I wouldn't have had the confidence-- the sparkle to attract the kind of sparkle I wanted. This went on for years.

Point 1: Entertaining relationships that down deep you know aren't going anywhere.

Point 2: The intermittent break from your B-choicing to go after someone you do want, but who doesn’t want you (usually, because of your lack of sparkle). From here, going with your tail between your legs back to where you think you belong, which is at Point 1.

Point 3: Heavy involvement with one particular B-choice-- trying to convince yourself that the situation is different than it is-- trying to sell yourself on someone you really don’t feel good about because you don't want to face the embarrassing fact that you're B-choicing.

I spent a lot of time at Point 3. So once in a while I'd be thinking I wanted to marry someone, and then we'd break up and I'd write a couple more songs about how lonely I was. Then, after the next concert I would go back to Point 1-- invite some starry eyed young girl to come help me "unload my sound equipment" (that was my usual line)... someone to make me feel better for the moment (my “fix” for the weekend). But there was always the next morning (after a B-choice date)-- those awful B-choice hangovers-- and feeling worse than ever.

Finally, at 33 years old, after another point 3 situation of trying to sell myself on someone, I made a solemn agreement with God. I said, simply.. "No more, Lord. Never again. I commit to you this night that I will never date anyone that I’m not seriously interested in."

Suddenly my life was filled with “A”-choices. They were coming out of the woodwork. The events that followed ultimately led to my marriage to a person who, though no longer is with me, in my opinion is one of the best women on the earth. But marrying the kind of person you really want doesn’t insure happiness. No event insures happiness. Because happiness is not a destination, it is a way of traveling (It is one A-choice after the next).

Marriage (and staying married) to a person you really want are bonuses compared to the peace you will have along the way-- and such natural bonuses-- For whatsoever you sew you shall reap. You cannot find, springing up in your garden, beautiful flowers where you are sewing compromise. You cannot see the glory of the sun, or feel the cool wind on your face if you are in your room wrapped in a security blanket.

Sew seeds of honor and reap a lasting relationship. This is the flower. All of God's children are beautiful flowers in His garden, but if you become involved with someone that you don’t really want, you change this flower into a B-choice blanket.

Never break your own heart or others by letting fear and loneliness motivate you more than faith, courage and real desire. Members of the opposite sex are not blankets in the cold of night. They are our brothers-- our sisters. Walk in faith by reconciling what you believe with what you do, and see the energy that begins to build, and the people that come into your life. “Build it and they will come.”

The A-choice Agreement is making a list of 10 to 50 people you’re genuinely interested in, starting at the top and working down... come what may.

As it turns out, your no. 1 choice is usually the no. 1 choice of about 4,000 other people. Consequently, it’s very possible that he or she does not reciprocate your interest. Great! "come what may" ..remember? Go on to #2. Hopefully sometime before you get to 50 someone will be interested. But it doesn't matter, even if it’s number 50. You are living in courage, honor and integrity. You’re taking risks. You are choosing life; not just killing time while it passes you by.

“So what should I do?” you ask, "sit at home on Friday nights?" "Something, is better than nothing – Isn’t it?"

Picture this: You're out with a B-choice on Saturday night. You're feeling good. You've got some filler in your life-- a warm body in the chill of night. You watch a movie; you hold hands, maybe even cuddle and kiss. The next morning at church, in walks the girl of your dreams. Not only are you physically attracted to her, but you are spiritually drawn to her. She is filled with honor, dignity, integrity. She works hard to get what she wants. She never compromises. You on the other hand, have just spilt your virtue all over h_ _ _ (literally) with your B-choice the night before. Now let me ask you something. Why on earth would she want YOU?"

There is a rod connecting the two doors above. The trial is: Do we have the faith and willingness to walk over to the A-choice door and open it? (while hearing the B-choice door close behind us)

Making the A-Choice agreement means walking a line, at times, between giving someone a chance to grow on you, and B-Choicing. "Well, I've got to at least get to know him, a little bit... don't I? Maybe I'll really be interested after a few more dates." Maybe you will. And sometimes this is good discernment. But maybe you just need a vote on the table-- someone's presence and approval right now-- even if it's someone you essentially don't want.

Ask yourself this multiple choice question: “Am I dating this person because a.) he or she is a fluff to my ego? b.) I’m so lonely I could cry, or c.) because I’m genuinely interested?”

Another good test as to whether someone is an A-choice or B-choice for you is looking at where you are with respect to John Gray’s 5 levels of involvement. The levels are:
1) Attraction
2) Doubt
3) Exclusivity
4) Emotional intimacy and
5) Engagement

If you find that you’re not naturally moving down this path, it is usually an indication that this isn’t someone you actually want. This may change and you may still instinctively feel to give the relationship more of chance, and you may be smart. All I’m saying is that if you’re not feeling a desire at some reasonable point to be exclusive with this person, or at another point, to become more emotionally intimate, or get engaged, you may be involved with a “B-Choice.”

Bear in mind… There are no A-choices, or B-choices “out there.” A-choices and B-choices are in you. If I want you, and I’m dating you, then dating you is a A-choice. If I DON’T really want you, but am dating you, then dating you is a B-Choice

2.) Wanting to make her happy – Wanting to be made happy BY him.
One of my favorite A-Choice / B-Choice litmus tests relates to a man and woman’s natural gifts and inclinations (Another John Grey paradigm that I really like). A man’s natural inclination and calling is to make his woman happy. In true love—in connection with A-choices, this is what he yearns to do. If successful, he comes fully to himself as a man, and feels joy.

A woman’s natural inclination, and calling is to be made happy. This is what she brings to the chemistry of romantic love. She is made happy (in a sense) and in the fullness of her happiness she feels to give back to her man and thereby completes the natural circle of romantic love.

If as a man, you feel to make her happy, she is probably an A-Choice for you. If you are more tuned into the things she does or could do that make YOU happy, or if you are more focused on all the things you’d like her to do to make you happy then she is probably a B-choice for you.

If, as a woman, you feel to be made happy by your man, then he is probably an A-Choice for you. If you are more tuned into different ways you’d like to make HIM happy (or if you’re more into creating happiness for him than he is creating it for you) then this is probably a B-Choice for you. In this sense though, it isn’t that you aren’t in love, it’s just that down deep, in the real you, this isn’t someone you really want. It is someone that you may be attached to or addicted to, but not someone you want.

Making A-choices in every area is the consummate challenge of this life. It is what I call the battle between passion and vision. In the story of Camelot, King Arthur and his wife Quenivere sustained an incredible vision of their future. Lancelot, however, represented passion (not the real passion that builds within vision, but the human passion of the moment-- the Barbecue Potato chips}. Arthur’s admonishment to Quenivere and her new friend speaks to the greatest part of us all: Do not let your passion destroy your vision (paraphrased).

It is easy to respond to your feelings, your inclination and human passions. What is not easy is to sustain your vision-- to keep going toward what you really want though it seems that every power in the universe is combining to make you take another route.   Marlene Eborn, the owner of an incredibly successful Health business in Boise Idaho, once described how painful this battle can be. “This commitment to sustain my vision-- no matter what” she said “was the most painful process I have ever experienced in my life-- more painful than even giving birth! At times I would find myself curled up in my bed crying, wondering how I was going to go on.”

I’m not suggesting that making the A-choice agreement necessarily brings a person to tears. I am suggesting that whether it’s career, education, art or dating-- sustaining your vision is perhaps more difficult than some of us are willing face.

Yet, this is what you were born for-- the absolute, total sustaining of your vision., in all areas of your life. This process is the pinnacle of who you really are and the purest discovery of your destiny.   This is not an invitation, however, to become possessed with marrying the perfect being. This can lead to what I call the No-choice Pattern (See Chapter 8). Rather, it is an invitation to discover how fun it is to actually get past the Barbecued potato chips and on to some of the things that your whole soul longs for (not just your tummy)-- in EVERY area of life. Moreover, it is in the very effort of sustaining your vision and deliberately trying to create what you want, that you will feel joy, regardless of the specific outcomes or occasional change of plans. This is the A-choice agreement.

I friend of mine expressed concern about his girlfriend to me the other day. " I just wish she would get more involved in my church with me. I don't feel good about marrying someone who doesn’t share my values. " "How long have you guys been going together?" I asked. "Three years."

This fellow's girlfriend was definitely not his problem. His problem was a chronic B-choice plot. He had become inadvertently involved with someone who wasn’t really what he wanted but was now too attached and too comfortable to leave.

These chronic B-choice situations can get messy. I’ve seen people hang on to someone they don’t want for years-- and in each passing moment, become less and less of what they really do want.

Note: If you are married, PLEASE don’t make the mistake of thinking that anything I say in these first 2 chapters could possibly relate to your spouse. It doesn’t. Once you say the words “I do” your entire universe changes and the plot is completely different. See chapters 8 and 8b). This information is expressly directed to DATING situations vs. marriage, live-ins, or anything that involves bringing children into the world. The only A-choice in you can make in your marriage is to love your spouse. The only B-choice you can make is to not love her

Why Aren’t You Everything I Won’t Be? (A Core In B-Choicing
Much of the B-choice syndrome results from dishonesty regarding what you are really willing to create in your own personal life. In reality, you attract people who are much better suited for you than you’d like to admit. This is hard to face. Thus, you are never satisfied with the present option (because he’s not what you want), but never confident enough or free enough to go for what you really want. Moreover, you spend a lot of time getting involved with people you don’t want and then wondering how to gracefully become uninvolved.

How to Stop Getting Involved With your worse Nightmares and Start Attracting the ones you want.

No one is a jerk in his true, original nature-- or his potential. But in choices?--YES! People can make jerk choices, develop a nightmare character, and offer you a painful life. But why would you want it!?

Holly, for instance, has been involved with a man who doesn’t share her spiritual and moral values. She was crying as she told me how hard it was to let him go recently after a two-year involvement. She loved him so much. “How spiritual are you Holly?” I asked. “I stay active in my church” she said. “It’s important that I set this example to my children.” “What if you had no children?” I said. “Would you still remain active in your church?” “Probably not” she said. “So basically, you’ve attracted someone at the same spiritual level as you, but who is not what you really want or reflect what you ultimately want to be.” Holly thought about this for a moment.

I went on… “It is so easy to get involved-- isn’t it, with someone you don’t really want. And the reason for this is that it takes time and effort to become what you truly want, attract what you are and get involved with the ones you really feel good about through and through.”

Jamba
Let’s go back to comparing it to your choice of nutrition. You’re driving down the road looking for a Jamba’s. You at least got past the chips and out of your apartment this time. But you’re not really clear on where Jamba’s is or how to get there and you’re getting really hungry. In the mean time, someone runs up to your car at a red light and hands you a half-off coupon for a greasy hamburger two driveways up and within a moment you pull in to order. So who’s kidding who? You ended up with exactly what you are when you got involved in that last relationship. It wasn’t like you got stiffed or something. He wasn’t what you wanted. And, as evidenced by the fact that you can’t seem to stay away from the hamburgers, let’s face it, YOU aren’t the kind person you want.

So why do you keep going for the ones you don’t feel good about? Because they are THERE-- accessible, fast food-- ready to get involved with RIGHT NOW—“A-choices” in perhaps your attraction to them (just like the chips or greasy burger), but B-choices in what you really want (the healthy salad or Jamba blend up the road). Hard to hold out though, isn’t it?--Especially after that recent string of rejections from all those A-choices. And suddenly, here comes this kind of cute and perhaps impressive person, who fluffs your ego! “This is great!” you think “that someone so cute, or successful could be attracted to ME” --and your ego is just boiling over and hormones are flying all over. Yet it never occurs to you that the reason this person is going for you is because you are willing to go for him.

So how do you stop attracting the kind you don’t really want (what you sometimes refer to as a “jerk”)? By not being one yourself-- by being deliberate and integrious. By acting in strength (even if you feel weak).

This is the biggest part of the A-Choice agreement-- becoming an A-Choice-- becoming the kind of stable, careful, caring person you want.

Holly, and the tears of re-planting
Holly’s tears were beautiful to me. For some things to live, other things must die. Her relationship with Wes was the fruit of her compromise and a fruit she didn’t want. You cannot get the fruit of your clear intentions from the tree of your compromise. You will have fruit, and it may even have some appeal to it, but it will not satisfy your hunger. What arises from our real intentions and desires satisfies our souls—not so much because of what it is, but because we clearly wanted it. It is integrity that creates the A-choice high, not the qualities of the person you’ve chose (those are just perks).

Holly’s tears were the pain of letting compromise go, and of planting another tree-- the tree of her highest self. In this letting go, and replanting, Holly is en-route to attracting the kind of people she really wants-- fruit she won’t have to throw away. Holly is in pain now, but if she’ll stay on course her mourning will turn to joy.

I spoke with another friend recently (Carol), who has been dating this fellow for a year and a half. He is not what she wants, ultimately. He is also struggling with his spiritual values. I bring this kind of example out for a reason: One of the most common areas of B-choicing is in spirituality and moral commitment. If you’re going to compromise, this is usually where it’s going to be. One of the reasons for this is because love can seem to exist without being grounded in God and in his spiritual and moral fabric. In fact, like a fast growing weed, this kind of love can even seem to flourish!

The fact is though, being able to say “I will love you forever” can only be real when you are grounded in forever’s ways (God’s ways) and step by step, winning the wrestle with the illusions in this world. You cannot grow a tree without these kind of deep, real roots. You can grow tumble weed, and other little fleeting things, but you cannot grow a tree.

Carol’s boyfriend believes he loves her. Yet, during their entire year and a half together, has never even come close to a spiritual discipline or fellowship. Still, Carol would tell herself that she just wanted to see if he’d change—“just a little longer” she would say each month. “He’ll come around and be everything I need.” But, Carol, he will not be everything you need. He will be everything you are.

Carol has recently cried the same tears as Holly’s and is letting go of someone she loves, but someone who, based on his lack of spirituality, may not ever be able to fully love her. Make the A-Choice commitment Carol! Send a message of who you really are, by getting involved with the ones you TRULY WANT-- “as is,” not as “could be.”

B-choicing: Possible Outcomes

Bad news, Bad news, Good news, Better news

Because you are either B-choicing now, or may B-choice in the future it would be good to review some of the possible outcomes:

A.) FRUSTRATION AND SEPARATION: In the case of Jenny (see above) her frustration with her own compromising life, and with her crazy man (for what kind of man would marry a woman that essentially didn't want him? Think about that for a minute) will lead to tension, to the exaggeration of the other person’s faults and eventually to a break up or divorce.

B.) B-CHOICE SEES WHAT’S UP, AND LEAVES: B-choice begins to realize he IS a B-choice to you, recognizes your feelings of obligation and bails out.

C.) MARRIAGE AND TRUE LOVE: It is so important to realize that deliberately marrying one of your B-choices does not condemn a marriage to death. In some cases in fact there can be a very happy ending to the story. Sometimes you can just decide you're going to love your B-choice with all your heart, no matter why you married him, or what it is about him that drives you nuts. This can be a wonderful experience in many ways as we will discuss later.

D.) MARRIAGE, TRUE LOVE AND TRUE DESIRE: Things can even go better than “C.” Sometimes you suddenly realize that, through some strange, unexplained miracle, you actually did marry your A-choice-- that all you thought you wanted was nothing more than the whims of a silly young girl (or boy), and that all you truly want is standing right next to you. Perhaps that miracle is simply called learning to love what is rather than pining away about what isn’t.

“Love is like the wind-- sometimes it blows your way and until now it missed me somehow (Probably because I was too busy thinking about all the A-choices I passed up for you). But when I turned around, I saw you standing there... I used to have a wish-- one day I’d feel like this. Now I know love exists. Cause it’s standing right next to me.” (Karla Bonoff 1993) [Some words changed for the purpose of this book. Parenthesis added]

Bear in mind that C and D are miracles-- They are God’s way of making “all things work together for our good” (Romans 8:28). Don’t marry someone you don’t want and then count on C or D happening. If you are presently married however, and can relate to C or D, please get out your Karla Bonnoff CD and have it playing when your husband comes home tonight.

The “No Lose” Peace that comes from A- Choicing – A Peace that can ALSO open your eyes

For now though we will assume that you are not married. If this is the case, get bold. Take chances-- learn to face the possibility of rejection like you would face the morning sun (or as one man put it, learn to eat rejection for breakfast).

And If you make the A-choice decision then you truly have something wonderful to look forward to. For even if everyone in your top 10 to 20 choices is unresponsive... you still win! You may not get a date with your top choice, but what you will have is honor, courage and integrity-- the stuff of true victory.

But perhaps some of your A-choices will respond positively. Great! Either way-- the good news is that your integrity has strengthened your “inner man” and given you peace in your inner world (Ephesians 3:16)-- peace that may even diminish your obsession with having to find a cross between Brook Shields and Mother Teresa, or Tom Selleck and Ghandi and open you up to the possibility that some of those “B-Choices” out there are actually A-Choices! (More on this in Chapter 8-- the balance between agreements 1 and 8.)

“Making A-Choices only, in my social life, has impacted my life to a greater degree than I thought possible” – A.D. Whipple

“It was only when I cleared off my plate and left it empty, that an A-choice could come into my life. It wasn’t enough to know what I wanted-- I had to make room for it.” -- Tracie Peay

Kissing (etc.), when it stirs up the sexual aspect of a relationship is like lowering the landing gears on jet plane. It is exciting. You can see the field ahead. It's where you're going to land. Lower the landing gears! But pilots do not simply lower the landing gears at 25 thousand feet just to see how it feels. They know how it works. They know what buttons do what. So if this is where you're going to land, start coming in for a landing!. But if not, show your love for the field below. Do not alert the tower. Do not ask them to guide you in just to throttle the plane at the last minute and get out of Dallas. Keep your landing gears up and your honor and virtue strong. Fly on if you're not going to land. If you need time to think about whether you want to land, circle a few times (Spend some more time with her), but demonstrate your honor by not starting your landing procedure until you've determined to land.

NOTE: Some activities can be A-choices in one moment and B-choices in another. The determining question is one of balance: A bubble bath, for instance, could be just the down time you need to prepare for you next big moves. On the other hand, maybe you’ve had enough down time. Maybe you need some UP time.

Question 1.) In every moment of your life—in every decision, train yourself to ask: Is what I’m doing right now, leading me to what I really want, or not?

Question 2.) In any moment of wondering, or of weakness, ask yourself this question: “What would I do RIGHT NOW (what activities would I participate in) if I absolutely knew that I was worth what I really wanted, willing to attract it, open enough to receive it and through the grace of God, determined to create it?

There is a key difference between men and women: Men can think they’d like to move ahead with you, talk like they’d like to move ahead with you, feel like they’d like to move ahead and act like they’re moving ahead, but not move ahead! If a woman feels, thinks, talks and acts like she’s moving ahead, she is.

With this in mind, (men) the secret to this aspect of the A-choice agreement (“wonderful you”) is simply to act how you are (vs. acting how you think, feel or talk). If you are interested in pursuing someone-- great! Go for it. If not (even though you may find this person intoxicating in some way(s), act your part. ACT out what you really want (in the long view, which may be very little.)

Assistance in your A-Choice Commitment: Understanding the Separation Principle

The A-choice commitment is not a commitment to die of loneliness or be eternally starved for affection. In fact, it’s the opposite. For the increased peace and confidence you will feel as a result of these commitments can fill your heart with love and affection for many. And this is the key. Love comes through on many channels. The problem is that you get stuck on one-- the romance channel. No wonder you keep pulling over to that burger place-- You’re starving to death! This is not a good thing.

Understanding what I call the “separation principle” can be your no. 1 key in making an A-Choice commitment: Here it is:

The more we experience ourselves as separate from others, the more we define the quality of life in terms of romantic involvement.

Certainly, marriage is meant to hit a spot in a way that nothing else can. Does this mean that we do we not eat until we can eat at our favorite restaurant? Almost sounds like a good argument for B-Choicing doesn’t it? But I’m not talking about blankets in the night. I’m talking about love and friendship in the day.

You were never meant to be alone-- married or not. Let your love flow to and from a special circle of friends and family in your life. Don’t exile yourself to some pre or post marriage island. An island is a sad place to be. Moreover, it is a vulnerable place to be. For it creates a propensity to jump on board the first ship that sails into your harbor-- whether it’s what you want, or not-- ANYthing to get off the island!-- even if it’s a ship full of explosives!

Come back to the mainland. Fellowship with us. Let us love you. And give us the love that we need from you.

You will lose your virtue by using people as blankets in the night. What makes you so vulnerable to this is 1.) being separate from loved ones and 2.) having your love dial stuck on the romance channel. Be comforted in your friends. Don’t stiffen up when someone gives you a hug.

On the other hand, don’t comfort yourself right out of picking a mate (i.e.. all night back-rub parties or cuddling sessions etc.).

Group support (and good circles of friends) is key in avoiding the B-choice syndrome. Don’t confuse “Friendship B-choicing” (see below) with group support. A-choicing is best achieved from a base of good friends rather than isolation. This is part of how you don’t “go shopping hungry.”

A-choices and B-choices are not a rating of someone. In Heaven, all are perfectly loved and adored. A-choice and B-choice, rather, refer to YOUR instincts regarding your future, or lack of, with this person. In reality there are many ways you might initially react to someone., though, operationally speaking, you either want someone (A Realm), or you don’t (B Realm).

Level 6 You’re everything I want. I’m very physically attracted to you. I know I could marry you. No question. Let’s move ahead.

Level 5 I’m really impressed with you and attracted to you. You seem to be a lot of what I want. I’m not convinced, that I could see us getting married. But I do sense a lot of potential.

Level 4 I’m really impressed with you and attracted to you. You have many of the qualities I really like. At this point, I can’t see us getting married. But I do sense some “back door” potential. (In other words, I’ve had people really grow on me before. I wouldn’t be surprised if that happened with you.)

Level 3 I really enjoy your company and I’m attracted to you. I don’t sense any back door potential at this point, but I wouldn’t mind hanging around with you, and perhaps even dipping into some involvement with you, without paying for it (especially physically).

Level 2 I’m really not that physically attracted to you, but you do have some nice qualities. I don’t think there’s a prayer for us but I wouldn’t mind hanging around and dipping into some affection, without paying for it.

Level 1 I’m really not that physically attracted to you, and you really don’t have any qualities I’m that impressed with. I wouldn’t mind completely taking advantage of your interest in ME though.

You will find that honestly reflecting where you are in the above reactions can assist you in maintaining your integrity and inner strength, keeping the spirit, and in staying on target to creating what you really do want. There is something about telling the salesman that you are broke that keeps you from enticing him to let you take an unreasonably long test drive in one of his cars.

The point is, whether in words, or in non-verbal communication, don’t pretend to be experiencing someone at level 5 or 6 so that you can entice them to provide the affection and involvement that can be appropriate at this level. Let a person feel where you really are so that you will both be inclined to stay within natural guidelines. Again…“What ere thou art…”

There is a line between B-choicing and friendship. It is the line between love and abuse. It is a line between deliberately giving love (to serve God), and getting love, (to serve you). You know the difference. You can feel it. One adds to the virtue you need to attract your A-choices. One takes away from it. For some good operational guidelines on this subject see the “A-Choice Agreement” in your workbook. Also see “friendship B-Choicing” below.

Kathy is 34 years old and divorced. Her marriage was very painful. It is hard for her to imagine that a man could remain “nice” after being married. She’s afraid to try again. Part of her fear can be resolved through clearly seeing the patterns that lead to her marriage problems (see “Re-tuning your Attraction Frequency” in Chapter 8). The other part of her fear can replaced with a peaceful heart and clear thoughts—something Kathy doesn’t always have, in the midst of what I call “home-basing.”

For Kathy finds much comfort in Jonathan, who she’s been dating for two years, and who is in love with her, but who she is not in love with. Kathy is not a needy person, but she loves company and feels like she needs a Home base. This is B-choicing, in that Kathy and Jonathan aren’t creating what the really want in the long run. The focus is more on holding each other over (for an indefinite amount of time). Home basing keeps your heart from panicking, but has a tendency to preclude other possibilities.

But what if I just need a friend? We all need friends. But what is the substance of this friendship? And what are the fruits? Only you know if your choices are bringing you closer to what you want, or further

In this sense “Sending the Right Message” is not about answers. The STRM notes are more about questions, than answers. You have the answers. But sometimes those answers are more easily accessed by at least asking the right questions. Sending the Right Message presents, what I believe, are some of those right questions.

In each subject of this book takes your temperature. Where are you with this. You will find yourself all over these notes to one degree or another. And the more you can see what you are doing, the momentum and power your patterns will have. Consciousness leads almost directly to freedom.

Helping Some Of Your More Devoted “Friends” Make the A-Choice Agreement

Speaking of friends, you know that one “friend” of yours that’s always fixing things around your house, running errands for you or doing your ironing?-- you know... the one who secretly wishes you would fall in love with him or her? The one who is so busy being your “friend” that he doesn’t have time to find someone who actually wants him? Yes. That’s the one. Do him a favor and HIRE someone to fix your washing machine.

In an effort to determine if you are what I call “Friendship B-choicing” ask yourself this question: Is there a good balance between the time I spend with my friends and the time I spend taking some risks i.e. meeting new people?

“Thoroughly living life requires initiative, risk taking, sustained actions against odds, sacrificing for ideals and leaps of faith. People who lead such lives report being happy, hopeful and exhilarated EVEN WHEN THEY FAIL!” – Dr. Laura

I was talking to Sherri the other day about her A-Choice commitment. “The thing I’m confused about John”, she said, “is, how can I tell whether I’m B-choicing or whether I’m just honestly giving someone a chance?”

It is true that, given a chance; a man sometimes “grows” on a woman. On the other hand, in terms of attributes and basic qualities, a man’s idea of what he wants (his “ideal image” ) is in somewhat of a crystalline form. Who he thinks a woman is, either fits into this form or doesn’t. This fit happens pretty quickly and a man is either interested or not. John Gray describes men, in this sense as “blow torches.” A woman’s ideal image is moldable. It perhaps starts out in a certain form. But as she gets to know and like a man, the form tends to mold around him and one morning, after sometimes 25 dates, she wakes up ands says “This is the man I’ve been looking for! I’m in love!.” If a man exclaims this (about a woman), it is usually after about 20 minutes. John Gray describes women, in this sense as “ovens.”

The answer to the question above though, notwithstanding this phenomenon, is painfully simple:

2.) You know there is absolutely no chance of this person ever growing on you but you need the company, attention or security.

You usually know, don’t you... which of these is truer. You don’t want to admit you know sometimes, but you usually do.

This concept of giving someone a chance to grow on you is especially important in connection with your tendency to attract very painful relationships.

Robyn Norwood suggests that the reason women do this (and I would say men too) is because that’s what their used to. To some degree, the message they received as children was that they didn’t matter, or that they weren’t worth love. In fact, in a general sense you tend to attract whatever your early home life was like, positive or negative.

If your Father and Mother were poor, you may find yourself attracted to poor men. If your Mom was a screamer, don’t be surprised to find that very same potential in the girls you’re attracted to. Whatever environment you experienced long ago becomes, no matter how crazy-- familiar and cozy. It is a house you are hesitant to leave-- like a young girl hesitant to go to her first summer camp, away from home.

Thus, unconsciously, women often attract men that through their abuse, or lack of spiritual commitment, or jealous, controlling rages can re-create whatever nightmare existed in their childhood.

According to Norwood, Harville Hendrix and many others, the deeper hope you are experiencing in this is not just to recreate the familiar but to heal it. “Perhaps” you say to yourself, deep inside. “Perhaps Daddy will love me this time. Perhaps Mommy will build me up now.” So, to the best of your unconscious ability, you may tend to set up your original home over and over again to see if you can make it go right this time, and find healing.

Robyn Norwood suggests that if you have this kind of programming, the good ones will always bore you. The true giants in this world-- the pure and valiant ones will make you yawn. The kind and devoted ones will not evoke any “electricity.” “But there’s got to be chemistry” you will say-- not understanding that you are programmed to only feel this “chemistry” with those who hold the promise of healing old wounds, only some of who will actually be willing to.

The solution, Robyn says, is to give the ones that bore you a chance. This is not B-choicing. This is giving yourself a chance to get used to summer camp, instead of heeding your initial inclination to run back “home” and set up the nightmare again.

Ultimately, you may to some degree, set up your childhood nightmare rather than giving summer camp a chance. Either way has it’s positives and negatives. If you pick a naturally decent and good man (or woman) it may take you a while to get used to him or her, but when you do it will be wonderful. The risk is, however, that you will not be faithful to him as you continue to notice other men that could provide more pain.

If, on the other hand, you pick a man (or woman) who reflects challenging aspects of your childhood, but who is willing to change, for you-- it could be the most healing experience of your life. If you just pick a jerk (who’d rather die than change), brace yourself. Your childhood will look like a day at the beach in comparison (See “Women Who Love Too Much” by Robyn Norwood and “Getting the Love You Want” from Harville Hendrix).

Optionitus (a term Jay Osmond coined) is an addiction to the pursuit of options in and of itself ie. "so many girls-- so little time." Unlike classic B-choicing, a person with Optionitis isn’t inadvertently ending up with what he doesn’t want. He is going right for what he wants-- which is all of them. He is possessed with all the wonderful options surrounding him. He can’t wait to get to the next party or event. He is a Honeybee, going from flower to flower, getting a little taste of everyone-- re-experiencing the adrenal high of having his liveableness, manliness or femininity validated, over and over again. Optionitus (or, as some call it, “professional dating”) is a difficult thing to wrestle with. Often, the thrill of something new, each week, each day, each party is simply too much to walk away from and the pursuit becomes endless. These are tragic and self-defeating situations as the person gets into his 50's, 60's and even 70's without ever having truly loved or been loved in the way that only a commitment can create.

Another common scenario is to go from Optionitus to B-choicing. This is common because Optionitus doesn't do much for making you into the kind of person you want. What's worse is that, coming out of Optionitis leaves you a little extra lonely, and sometimes, anxious to make up for all the years you spent "having fun." (There is a difference between real fun, by the way, and Optionitus. True fun is something we can stop when we’ve had enough. Addictions on the other hand are almost impossible to put away.)

Coming from a background of Optionitis, you not only set yourself up for B-choice dating, but for a B-choice marriage, and the temptation to continue your Optionitus (in unfaithfulness) even in your marriage.

Though Optionitus is not B-choicing in the classic sense, I've discussed it here because of its connection to the next chapter. For the one thing that honeybees and B-choicers are always looking for are those that are willing to accept Involvement without Commitment (See Chapter 3).

The first step in curing Optionitus is to make the A-Choice commitment. Even then the tendency may continue, yet, once a commitment is made a sweeter and fuller sense of life gradually replaces the drug-high of conquering and false validation. It is easier to put down the M&Ms once you’ve grown accustomed to the satisfying experience of granola, or whole wheat bread. So, my Optionitus friends go out and have your fun. But listen to what your whole soul yearns for, not just your emotional taste buds. What you want is to sit some day on a porch with the one you love, thinking back on all the years you’ve been together and how sweet life has been because you got serious about finding Mr. or Mrs. Right vs. Mr. or Mrs. Right now.

One last scary picture: Determining that you must find your soul mate in order to consider marriage can leave you stranded and vulnerable. A steady flow of new, albeit, temporary lovers can certainly fill the void created by your insistence on finding this soul mate.

B-choicing feeds itself and can justly be described as a syndrome. But it is so hard to not do something. As Denis Waitley points out, our minds just don’t work very well in the negative. As the priest ultimately points out in the movie “Chocolate” the quality of our lives isn’t so much defined by what we avoid, as it is what we embrace. Power comes in doing something, not in not doing something else. So if you find yourself in a B-choicing marathon, don’t beat yourself up. Simply get in touch with the highest part of you—the part that yearns for A-choicing, and then get after it! You can try all you want to stop B-choicing. You can turn up the will power, become a monk or Nun, pray that the Lord will take away your passions etc. But ultimately, if you’re NOT A-CHOICING, guess what you’ll soon be doing? As Wayne Barbuto puts it, “Chess can only be won by getting on the offensive” or in other words, by taking steps toward a victory. A-choicing is bridling (or in other words, directing) your passions. B-Choicing is simply going with your passions, or, after enough frustration, extinguishing them. To be focusing on activities you’re trying to avoid will deplete you of the “directed” energy you need to make the winning steps.

Affection Starvation, B-Choice Addiction and the A-Choice Miracle

Sometimes a break up can leave you feeling a need for the company and affection of just about anyone who’s willing (A-Choices, B-choices, ANY choices!). When you feel like you’re starving to death it’s easy to understand wanting to drop by a few Burger Kings en route to the restaurant you’d really like to eat at. It is easy to understand wanting to leave a little leeway in you’re A-choice agreement for some of your favorite fast food places, liquor stores or B-choices (which are all the same).

I’m not saying you don’t need love. You’ve never needed it more. Sincere, non-sexual love and affection is essential after a break up. You will need all the genuine support you can get. But this principle of support can become distorted in an atmosphere of love-starvation, leaving you emerged in the B-choicing binge of a lifetime. So what is your strategy?

One thing you do not want to do is to resist your B-choice cravings, or judge them. This will only make them stronger. By the same token, you do not want to give into them. This also makes them stronger. As an alternative to either of these opposites, consider this: Feel what you feel, but do what works.

1.) Once a piece of metal begins to move away from a magnet, the magnet’s power over it weakens. Once you’ve made up you’re mind that you’re going to A-choice--once you get off the fence, you’re craving for love and affection and the pain of indecision that goes with it begins to fade. Allowing the possibility of a B-choice creates a vacuum, which continually sucks you toward it. Once you’ve decided there is no possibility, the vacuum effect ends. Once you decide what you’re really doing, and what you’re not doing, it is much easier to go the distance.

2.) The next part of the miracle is that now that you’ve clearly gotten off the fence, and your preoccupation with finding your next B-choice “fix” ends, guess what you’ve got more of? Time and energy! --time and energy you can direct to all of your A-choicing activities. As one participant put it:

“When I really get serious and clear about A-Choicing, I become free from the pull of my B-choices. Each time I renew my A-choice agreement it creates a chasm between me and even the most alluring B-choices. I see them-- I appreciate them, but from a distance.” -- STRM participant

3.) Finally, your enthusiastic pursuit of what you truly want (including your choice to avoid the rest) generates a confidence and self-assurance within you. In this state, some of the ones you are really interested in don’t seem as intimidating. You feel like you have a lot to offer. And the truth is, you do.

Let me put this in very practical terms: When I’m on my way to go see someone I’m really interested in, I want her see to see within my eyes the integrity of my life—the sincerity of my choices, the enthusiasm with which I pursue what I truly want. I want her to see my best and highest self. But most importantly I want to see this in me, and to feel it. In becoming what I want then, I feel confident in pursuing the kinds of people I could really get serious about.

A-CHOICE QUICK REFERENCE GUIDE for LOVE ADDICTS or NEWLY DIVORCED SINGLES

[Make a copy of this out and put it in you wallet or planner. These are the components of keeping yourself on track].
1) Make the A-choice agreement.

2) Express Feelings then Give thanks Express your deepest and most troubling feelings to friends, family and God. Expression however, becomes self-defeating unless after all our expressing we end up seeing the blessings that can come in everything we face. Express how you really feel, but then give thanks for the opportunity you see in it. This keeps you breathing and lessens the loneliness that drives you to B-choicing. At the same time, it creates a space inside for what you want.)

3) Connect, heart to heart, friend-to-friend. (The more you get what you really need, the less power what you think you need has over you)

4) Magnify your vision (Make what you want BIGGER than what you almost want and then begin doing things (short term and long term) that create it.)

5) Go after your visions (all of them—from social to spiritual)). Throw yourself into giving what you can give to this world. Enjoy the feelings of healing, balance and confidence this creates. More on this in Chapter 5)

6) Remember the questions: “What do I really want? And what activities and steps will lead me to it?” These questions are your guide.

7) Trust the road you’re on long enough to start seeing results. Trust love. Trust focus. Trust creation. These are your friends. Trust them to see you home. As Jeff Herrera puts it, most of us never stop to realize that God is indeed our personal friend.

Planting vs. Harvesting
“A-choices” exist in two realms: planting and harvesting. A person really excited about creating the kind of relationships he wants, may choose to not date at all for a time in an effort to become more of what he wants. This is planting. Later, when he starts dating again, he will make choices that lead to the harvest.

Sedatives vs. A-Choices
A Major “planting” for many of us, is to take the time necessary to feel whole and secure again (or perhaps for the first time). If I am feeling insecure inside—If I’m filled with doubts, fears, shame and confusion--If my priorities are not in order, and my world seems upside down, then I will tend to approach my relationships as sedatives—as drugs to make the pain go away. But this doesn’t work. It feels like it works, when the needle is in my arm, but as soon as it’s out, I need another fix. I can’t get enough relief and I either drive you away, or run away from YOU (because you’ve let me down). The connection here between “neediness” and being able to make A-choices is fully addressed by reading Chapter 4 and 5. Furthermore, Chapter 8 (path 2) addresses the simple act of embracing my singleness long enough and fully enough so that I don’t feel sick. Because if my singleness feels like a virus then I will turn YOU into the medication, creating the syndrome addressed above.

Epilogue to Chapter 1: The A-Zone
When your intentions and choices become clear and deliberate-- vs. banking on everything “falling into place”, or the planets aligning in your favor, then you are approaching the A-Zone. When you feel like virtually every minute of your life is dedicated, not to your immediate passions, but to your dearest and grandest vision, then you are getting even closer to the A-Zone. When your actions consistently reflect your soul’s deepest desires (vs. your emotion’s), you are in the A-Zone. It is a wonderful place. It is exhilarating. (even though it can often be very painful, i.e. “planting time”) It’s like climbing Mt. Everest. Surfers would say it is like being “tubed” (riding the eye of a wave). It is an experience of conquering, of victory, of creation, of hope and love—regardless of the accompanying details!

I passionately do all I can to attract and create what I really want (in my real self). In this, I think, practice and do the things that get results—I “A” Choice. Each day my heart is filled with the joy of this process, regardless of specific results.

I choose to become romantically involved with people I am legitimately interested in. In this, I bridle (or direct) my passion to the kind of relationship I really want, with the kind of person I really want.

I act in faith and love vs. fear or loneliness. I seek relationships that motivate me to commitment vs. fillers or temporary security blankets. I don’t spend time with people just to make sure I’m “dating.” I spend time with people to bless their lives and to genuinely bless my own.

As I live this agreement I experience a peace in my heart and a power in my spirit that tends to attract and gather around me all that I’m looking for. In every area of my life my outer experiences reflect my inner commitment.

In all of this, I am becoming the kind of person I want—proactive, passionate and focused. From this day forward, I will open the door to love and creation, and in so doing-- hear the door to nowhere closing behind me.

Note 1.) THE TERM “LEGITIMATELY INTERESTED IN” refers to a growing desire for a committed relationship with this person. It is to say that you could see yourself becoming seriously interested in this person as a potential marriage partner vs. just killing time until “the right one” comes along.

Note 1b.) B-CHOICE/A-CHOICE CONVERSION: This A-Choice agreement bears in mind that some “B” choices, if given enough time, could become “A” choices. This is not an agreement to run through a process of elimination as quickly as possible. It is simply an agreement to become conscious and deliberate in creating what you want.

Note 2.) “DATING” DEFINED: A “date” is an emotional/social environment, which suggests the possibility of intimacy or involvement. Note 2b) “JUST A FRIEND” DEFINED. Someone who you do not see yourself marrying. It is possible this could change in the future. But you do not foresee this happening.

Note 2c) CONSCIOUS GUIDELINES: On a practical level, Notes #2 and 2b imply some guidelines:

A.) When spending time with “just a friend” of the opposite sex, whom you also happen to be physically attracted to, remain in public or in a group. Your attraction to this person, in combination with being alone, suggests the possibility of intimacy (and will even promote it). But as Paul Toscano puts it, “we can never get enough of what we don’t really want” ( italics added.) And what you really want is intimacy with, someone you want! Pursuing sexual passion for it’s own sake is like revving up the engine to a car that is locked in a garage. Either open the garage door and go somewhere or don’t rev the engine (unless you want to die of carbon monoxide poisoning). Adherence to this principle will leave you feeling centered and clear.

B.) Sometimes it takes seeing someone a few times to even know if you are interested. This is called “dating.” How fun! But once you decide that this person is “just a friend”, see them in public, for lunch and in groups and really give them love and respect you would any friend (vs. a concubine or mistress). (See the involvement/commitment chart)

Note 3.) FRIENDSHIP B-CHOICING: “Dating” or not, it is easy to miss the whole point of the A-Choice commitment by merely committing to not date your B-Choices and then filling up your prospecting time with “friendship” type dates or otherwise just “hanging out” with friends. I call this “Friendship B-choicing.” You need friends. But don’t give any one area of your life more time than your highest self feels good about.

Dating people you’re really interested in	Dating people you really like, but who you’re not really serious about.
Developing your business and talents with a full purpose of heart.	Avoiding being hurt by throwing yourself Into as many projects as you can.
Going on a legitimate Man or Woman “Fast” as a way of clearing your head (see Chapter 3)	Going into a convent (See Chapter 6)
Sending time on the Internet, meeting those that seem legitimately interesting to you.	Spending time with men or women you are NOT legitimately interested in, but who take the edge away from the loneliness. Note: I’m not talking about friends here. I’m talking about pseudo girlfriends or boyfriends-- fillers.
Filling your mind with uplifting. Entertainment, music and books.	Reading a romance novel.
Going on a relaxing vacation.	Going on one every 2 weeks.
Simplifying your life so that you can make ROOM for some A-choices	Taking on enough extra responsibilities at work, home (with kids) and church to minimize your chances of being hurt
Going to a workshop or educational or uplifting event with your friends.	Filling up every weekend with ski trips: and inviting the same 7 people.
Taking a hot bath to rejuvenate yourself.	Staying in the bathtub all day. yourself.

Another good test as to whether someone is an A-choice or B-choice for you is looking at where you are with respect to John Gray’s 5 levels of involvement. The levels are: 1) Attraction 2) Doubt 3) Exclusivity 4) Emotional intimacy and 5) Engagement

Affection Starvation, B-Choice Addiction and the A-Choice Miracle

Another good test as to whether someone is an A-choice or B-choice for you is looking at where you are with respect to John Gray’s 5 levels of involvement. The levels are:
1) Attraction
2) Doubt
3) Exclusivity
4) Emotional intimacy and
5) Engagement